Tiki Humor

what happens when a frog parks illegally?

He gets toad!

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A snail goes to a used car lot to buy a car.

The sales person asks, “What are you looking for in a car?” The snail says, “I want a really fast car with big side doors so I can write a huge “S” on each door.”

The salesman says, “That’s a weird request, why?”

The snail says, “Because when I drive through town I want people to say, “Look at that S-Car-Go!”

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a couple inside a parked car

A policeman is doing his usual rounds just before midnight when he passes a parking lot and notices a couple inside a parked car. He stops to investigate and sees a man in the driver’s seat and a young lady sitting in the backseat, quietly reading a magazine.

The officer knocks on the driver’s window and asks what’s going on.

“Listening to music,” the guy says. Pointing toward the young lady in the backseat, the officer asks, “And what’s she doing?”

“Reading a magazine, of course.”

“How old are you?” asks the officer.

“I’m 23.”

“And how old is she?”

The guy looks at his watch and says, “Well, in 11 minutes she’ll be 18.”

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saving the secret formulas

A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, “All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!”

The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas.

The company president walks over to reward the volunteers.

“What do you guys plan to do with the money?” the president asks the group.

The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, “Well, the first thing we’re going to do is fix the fucking brakes on that truck.”

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Grandma still drives

Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a ‘Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ‘For the love of God!’

‘Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!’

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

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My favorite sexual position is the JFK

My favorite sexual position is the JFK.

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

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Auto mechancic vs Cardiologist

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Dodge SRT-4 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in the shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the SRT.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in and, when I finish it works just like new.”

“So how is it I make only $39,000 a year, a pretty small salary, and you get the really big bucks, $1.6 million, when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic…

“Try doing it with the engine running.”

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The gynecologist who became a mechanic

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”“The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career”.

via Bits and Pieces.

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Ranult and Ford’s New Car

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the “Clitaurus.” It comes in pink, with or without fur on the dash, and the average male thief won’t be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.

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elderly woman drivers

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car — both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection.

The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”

Mildred turned to her and said “Oh, am I driving?”

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Wrong Way Herman

As a 100 year old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on I-280. Please be careful!”

“Hell,” said Herman, “it’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

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Car Names Explained

# Audi

* Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

# BMW

* Big Money Works
* Bought My Wife
* Brutal Money Waster
* Bimbette Motor Weapon
* Break My Window

# Buick

* Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

# Chevrolet

* Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
* Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
* Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
* Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology

# Dodge

* Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
* Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere
* Dead or Dying Gas Eater
* Dear Old Dad’s Geriatric Express

# Fiat

* Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
* Fix It All the Time
* Fix it again, Tony!

# Ford

* First On Recall Day
* First On Race Day
* First On Rust and Deterioration
* Fix Or Repair Daily
* Found On Road, Dead
* Fault Of R&D
* Fast Only Rolling Downhill
* Features O.J. and Ron’s DNA
* Found On Russian Dump

# GM

* General Maintenance
* Great Mistake

# GMC

* Garage Man’s Companion
* Got A Mechanic Coming?

# Honda

* Had One Never Did Again

# Hyundai

* Hope You Understand Nothing’s Driveable And Inexpensive

# Mazda

* Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

# Oldsmobile

* Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everywhere
* Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick’s Irregular Leftover Equipment

# Pinto

* Put In New Transmission Often

# Pontiac

* Poor Old Neanderthal Thinks It’s A Cadillac

# Saab

* Send Another Automobile Back
* Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
* Sorry Arsed Auto Builders

# Toyota

* Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

# Volvo

* Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
* Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners

# VW

* Virtually Worthless

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Accident Excuses

# My truck was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

# I hit a stationary truck that was coming from another direction.

# Coming home, I drove into the wrong yard, and collided with a tree I don’t have.

# The telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to swerve out of its path when it hit me.

# In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

# The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

# An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my truck and vanished.

# I had been driving my truck for 40 years when I fell asleep and had an accident.

# The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go–so I ran over him.

# I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

# I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

# The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

# A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.

# I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

# A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

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Faulty Traffic Camera

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail’s pace. Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

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$5,000 Loan

A businessman walked into a New York bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for the loan. The businessman then handed over the keys to a Rolls-Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank.

Everythng checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove it into the bank’s underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the 5,000 dollars and the interest, which came to $15.00.

The loan officer said, We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?

The business man replied: Where else in New York City could I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?

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New Mechanic

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practicalexam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.

The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”

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Old Maids

One night, a policeman was busy making the rounds in his small town. Around midnight he spotted two old maids sitting in a car in a used car lot.

The policeman approached the car and asked the ladies, “Excuse me, but why are you sitting in a car on this used car lot after business hours? Are you trying to steal this car?”

“Good heavens, no!” one of the ladies said, “I just bought this car today, officer.”

“Have you come back tonight to drive your car home?” the policeman asked.

“Not at all,” the woman replies, “I don’t have a driver’s license.”

“Then why did you buy this car?”

“Well, we were told by our friends that if we bought a car from this used car lot, that we’d get screwed. Now we’re just waiting here for our screwing, and we’re not leaving until we get it!”

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Penguin’s Car

A penguin is driving his car across the country for his summer vacation. Suddenly, his car starts to make horrible noises. The penguin drives his ailing car into a roadside mechanic’s shop.

The mechanic tells the penguin that it will be about an hour until he can diagnose the problem. The penguin decides to kill the time by wandering over to a nearby mall.

He casually waddles through the mall, doing some window shopping. Then, he buys himself a vanilla ice cream cone to eat, since it’s such a hot day.

The Penguin starts to walk back to the shop, and while he eats his ice cream it drips all over his face and front.

As he enters the shop, the mechanic looks up from under the car’s hood and says to the Penguin, “It looks like you blew a seal.”

Embarrassed, the Penguin quickly says, “No, I swear it’s just ice cream!”

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