Tiki Humor

The Halloween Surprise

A COUPLE was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, “Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”

He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you… The guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!”

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Expense Account

Expense Account for June 1995
—————————————-

1 June Ad for female stenographer $5.00
2 June Violets for new stenographer $7.50
6 June Week’s salary for stenographer $225.00
9 June Roses for stenographer $25.00
10 June Candy for wife $4.50
12 June Lunch for stenographer $35.00
13 June Week’s salary for stenographer $300.00
16 June Movie tickets for self and wife $6.00
18 June Theater tickets for self and stenographer $75.00
19 June Ice cream soda for wife $1.50
20 June Virginia’s salary $375.00
23 June Champagne and dinner for “Ginny” $160.00
25 June Doctor for stupid stenographer $1,500.00
25 June Fur coat for wife $6,800.00
27 June Ad for male stenographer $6.50

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The mistress

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she’ll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, “Who the hell was that?”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce.”

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don’t get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus’s in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Jim?” asks the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replies.

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Boss’s Actions Require Response

A man walks into a bar and orders a pint. The bartender says “that’ll be 5 cents please.” “5 cents?,” the man asks, incredulously, “well, for that price, I think I’ll have a nice T-bone steak and a glass of red wine.”

“No problem,” the bartender says, “that’ll be 10 cents please.” “10 cents?” the man asks, “what’s going on here, where’s the owner of this place?”

“He’s upstairs with my wife,” the bartender says. “Well what the hells he doing up there?” the man asks.

“The same thing I’m doing to his business down here!”

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My husbands home!

“You know,” a guy told his buddies, “I’m a lucky man. I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I had to stay home sick from work.”
“What did she do?” someone asked.” She was so happy to have me home,” he said, “that every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or milkman, she’d shout, ‘My husbands home! My husband’s home!'”

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Bill Clinton’s Box

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.

However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”

Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

Hillary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?”

Bill answered, “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.”

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Pierced Conservative

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker is very conservative, so naturally he’s curious about his sudden change in fashion sense. The man then walks up to his co-worker and says, I didn’t know you were into earrings. Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring, he replies sheepishly. Well, I’m curious, pressed the man. How long have you been wearing an earring? Ever since my wife found it in our bed.

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Elegant Confessions

An elderly couple are having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. During desert, the old man leans over and says to his wife, Dear, there’s something I have to ask you. It’s always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. I must know: Did he have a different father?

The wife drops her head, unable to look at her husband. Yes, she admits. He does.

Tears well up in the old man’s eyes. Please, he says, Can you tell me who it was?

The woman pauses while mustering her courage. Then she says, You.

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can’t afford to get pregnant

“I’ve got to get to the doctor and renew my prescription of birth control pills. I can”t afford to get pregnant!” said Edna to her friend Priscilla. “But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy, “Priscill a responded. “He did.” replied Enda. “That’s why I can’t afford to get pregnant!”

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Larry’s bar

A man goes to see a psychiatrist and says, Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening she goes down to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she fucks anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?  Relax, says the doctor. Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?

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Midget Fucker

A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget. Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!

Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, Take it easy Dear, Can’t you see I’m trying to taper off?

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You Know You’re In Trouble When

You Know You’re In Trouble When

Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.

Your suggestion box starts ticking.

Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.

You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you’ve ever had.

The simple instructions enclosed aren’t.

People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.

You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.

The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

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Busy In Heaven

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?”

The first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.”

“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

“It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.”

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.

“Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding naked inside a refrigerator…”

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