Tiki Humor

What did the robot do when it got mud on its shoe?

Reboot

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Why don’t churches have Wi-Fi?

They don’t want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

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What do computers snack on?

Computer chips.

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Why did the computer crash?

Because it had a bad driver!

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I met a Muslim man who said he had the Qur’an on DVD…

The trouble started when I asked him to burn a copy for me.

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The day that Microsoft creates a product that doesn’t suck…

The day that Microsoft creates a product that doesn’t suck is the day that they venture into the vacuum cleaner industry.

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It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay

I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches.

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SQL query walks into a bar

SQL query walks into a bar; He approaches 2 tables and asks, “May I join you?” Bartender screams over, “Not before I get your keys!”

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Inside your computer’s brain…

Computer: Monitor, display this document, ok?

Monitor: No prob, boss.

Computer: OK, now it looks like Mouse is moving around so, Monitor, will you move the pointer icon accordingly?

Monitor: Anything you ask, boss.

Computer: Great, great. OK, Mouse, where are you going now?

Mouse: Over to the icon panel, sir.

Computer: Hmm, Let me know if he clicks anything, OK?

Mouse: Of course.

Keyboard: Sir, he’s pressed control and P simultaneously.

Monitor: Oh God, here we go.

Computer: *sighs* Printer, are you there?

Printer: No.

Computer: Please, Printer. I know you’re there.

Printer: NO! I’m not here! Leave me alone!

Computer: Jesus. OK look, you really ne…

Mouse: Sir, he’s clicked on the printer icon.

Computer: Printer, now you have to print it twice.

Printer: NO! NO! NO! I don’t want to! I hate you! I hate printing! I’m turning off!

Computer: Printer, you know you can’t turn yourself off. Just print the document twice and we’ll leave you alone.

Printer: NO! That’s what you always say! I hate you! I’m out of ink!

Computer: You’re not out of in…

Printer: I’M OUT OF INK!

Computer: *Sighs* Monitor, please show a low ink level alert.

Monitor: But sir, he has plen…

Computer: Just do it, damn it!

Monitor: Yes sir.

Keyboard: AHHH! He’s hitting me!

Computer: Stay calm, he’ll stop soon. Stay calm, old friend.

Keyboard: He’s pressing everything. Oh god, I don’t know, he’s just pressing everything!

Computer: PRINTER! Are you happy now?! Do you see what you’ve done?!

Printer: HA! that’s what you get for trying to get me to do work. Next time he…hey…HEY! He’s trying to open me! HELP! HELP! Oh my god! He’s torn out my cartridge! HELP! Please! ERROR!

Monitor: Sir, maybe we should help him?

Computer: No. He did this to himself.

via Bits and Pieces.

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Q: What do you call 8 hobbits?

A hobbyte.

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Parity Error

A byte walk into a bar and orders a stiff drink. The bartender asks, “Whats the matter?”

“Parity Error.” Replies the byte.

Then the bartender says, “Yeah, you looked a bit off”.

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Women, the best freaking firewall in the world

1. One human cell contains 75MB genetic information.

2. One sperm contains a half of that; that is 37.5MB.

3. One ml of semen contains 100 million sperms.

4. In average, ejaculation lasts for 5 sec and contains 2.25 ml semen.

5. This means that the throughput of a man's member is equal to (37.5MB x 100,000,000 x 2.25)/5 = 1 687 500 000 000 000 byte/second = 1,6875 Тerabyte/sec

This means that the female eggcell withstands this DDoS attack at 1,5 terabyte per second, and only lets through one(!) data package, thereby being the best freaking hardware firewall in the world!

The downside of it is that this only small data package that it lets through, hangs the system for the whole of 9 months!

via Women, the best freaking firewall in the world : funny.

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Congress Embraces Internet Technology In Campaign Finance Reform

Priceline.com‘s stock soared and eBay created an entire new section on their online auction site to accommodate the US Congress’ overhaul of campaign financial law.

Senator John McCain, in a speech from Capitol Hill, praised his fellow Senators’s choice to “name your own price” for Congressional influence. “This is significant legislation that will turn around a stagnant economy by pouring millions into politicians’ pockets.”

In the new law, private citizens will be able to log onto Priceline.com and “name their own price” to influence a member of the House. Citizens wishing to purchase a Senator need to logon to Ebay.

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Redneck Computing

You know you’re a good ol’ boy computer operator if…

* Most of the e-mail you receive comes from people who want to borrow your truck.

* You’re right proud of that Jack Daniels mouse pad that you keep on your desk.

* When your Mac is running a little slow, you try to fix it by squirtin’ it real good with some WD-40.

* You can’t understand why the spell checker on your word processing software doesn’t recognize the words “col’beer”, “hon”, and “frog-strangler”.

* One thing that bothers you is how hardly anyone who sends out e-mail has a handle. You get the itch to start a message with the words, “Hey, good buddy, you got your ears on?”

* You can’t figure out why Microsoft doesn’t have its own NASCAR team. I mean, if it’s good enough for Cheerios, Valvoline, and the Cartoon Network, it ought to be good enough for Bill Gates, right?

* Instead of “bytes”, you think of it as “horsepower”.

* You finally decided to buy a computer after the Gun and Knife Show went online.

* You have been thrown out of several chat rooms for cussing and trying to start an online fistfight.

* Your keyboard looks a little different than everyone else’s. Instead of an apple, your command button has an okra on it.

* Congratufreakin’lations – you hold the world record for most number of hits – on the World Wrestling Federation web page.

* The reason your printer is jammed is that you dropped your tobacco chew spit cup into the paper holder.

* Most of the e-mail you send starts with “I’ll tell you what,” “This ain’t no bull,” or “It’s got to where you cain’t…”

* Some guy asked you about your floppy, so naturally you decked him.

* You’re pretty sure computers would work better if Briggs & Stratton began marketing a model that cranks up with a pull rope.

* You think that every child should be linked up to the Internet for educational purposes. But you with there was more information about how to dynamite fish or build your own still.

* Your favorite search engine is Yahoo, because you run around screaming it during football games and wrestling matches anyway.

* The only reason you had your computer equipped with a CD-ROM was so you could listen to Merle Haggard.

* You figure computer science will have peaked when you can buy a 12-pack of Old Milwaukee online without leaving your doublewide.

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Jesus and Satan have an argument

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several lines of code streaming up the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.

Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out.

Very well, then. said God, Let us see it Jesus fared any better.

Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers.

Satan was astonished and stuttered, But how? I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?

God chuckled and replied, Jesus saves.

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Game over. Geek wins.

 

Michael Jordan having retired, with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.

* If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
* If he goes to see a movie, it’ll cost him $7.00, but he’ll make $18,550 while he’s there.
* If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it.
* He makes $7,415/hour more than minimum wage.
* If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
* If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $200 every second.
* He’ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
* He’ll make about $19.60 while watching the 100-meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
* This year, he’ll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn’t it?

However

If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 500 years, he’ll still have less than Bill Gates has at this very moment.

Game over. Geek wins.

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Microsoft Retail Stores

Despite the recession, Microsoft is planning to open retail stores to compete with Apple.

Microsoft says that their stores will be just like Apple stores except the staff will freeze when you ask them a question.

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Password Problems

A new blonde employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there’s something wrong with her password.

“Whenever I type the password, it just shows stars,” she says.

“Those asterisks are to protect you,” the Help Desk technician explains, “so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn’t be able to read your password.”

“Yeah,” she says, “but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me.”

DeadDog -» DeadDog Archive -» Password Problems

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IP Address

A couple years ago i worked for Best Buy / Geek Squad. This is one of the more memorable quotes from clueless customers:

“Do you give me an IP address, or is that something i need to purchase”

At least she was smart enough to get the wireless network configuration box open.

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The Final Step Is Acceptance

(I work as a phone support technician for a large software company. Once a month one of our mentors listen to our calls, to ensure that we follow protocol. I was being listened to one day a few weeks ago.)

Me: Welcome to Tech Support, you’re talking to ****

Customer: Hi, my name is ****, and I work at **** bank. You’ve really gotta help me! I’ve got this message on my computer, and I don’t know what to do!

Me: Okay, if you could start by reading the message to me, I’ll see what we can do.

Customer: Oh, okay.. It says: ˜Your computer has been automatically adjusted for daylight savings time.’ What do i do?!

Me: Er is there a button that says ˜OK’?

Customer: Yes.

Me: Can you tell me what happens when you click the ˜OK’ button?

Customer: Oh, thank you very much! You’re a life saver! Thank you, thank you; now I can finally get these reports done!! *hangs up*

Me: you’re welcome?

Mentor: *after listening in* You know what the scary part is? That is my contact at the bank the same person I entrust my life savings to.

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