Tiki Humor

The difference between the left and right…

You didn’t get mad when the Supreme Court stopped a legal recount and appointed a President.

You didn’t get mad when Cheney allowed Energy company officials to dictate energy policy. You didn’t get mad when a covert CIA operative got outed.

You didn’t get mad when the Patriot Act got passed taking away LIBERTY from Americans.

You didn’t get mad when we illegally invaded a country that posed no threat to us.

You didn’t get mad when we spent over 600 billion and counting on said illegal war.

You didn’t get mad when over 10 billion dollars just disappeared in Iraq.

You didn’t get mad when you found out we were torturing people.

You didn’t get mad when the government was illegally wiretapping Americans.

You didn’t get mad when we didn’t catch Bin Laden.

You didn’t get mad when you saw the horrible conditions at Walter Reed.

You didn’t get mad when we let a major US city, New Orleans, drown.

You didn’t get mad when we gave a 900 billion tax break to the rich.

You didn’t get mad when the deficit hit the trillion dollar mark.

You finally got mad when the government decided that people in America deserved the right to see a doctor if they are sick. Yes, illegal wars, lies, corruption, torture, stealing your tax dollars to make the rich richer, are all okay with you, but helping other Americans…oh hell no.

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A young entrepreneur once asked a wealthy elderly man how he got his wealth.

A young entrepreneur once asked a wealthy elderly man how he got his wealth. The old man sat back in his chair and pondered for a moment. “Back in the great depression, when I was just a young boy, I found a nickle. With that nickle, I went to market and bought myself an apple. I shined it up, and sold it for a dime. The next day, I bought 2 apples, and shined them up and sold them each for a dime. Then, my uncle died and I inherited a million dollars.”

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A Teabagger, Union Member and a CEO are sitting at a table with a dozen cookies…

…the CEO immediately takes 11 cookies for himself. The CEO then turns to the teabagger and says, “Watch out for that union guy he wants part of your cookie.”

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A helping hand

A rich man is driving down the highway and he see’s a man in the median eating handfuls of grass, he tell his driver to pull over and he yells to the man, “What are you doing there?”

The man says, “I am broke and hungry and this is the best I can find.”

The rich guy says, “Come with me and I can help!”

The poor man says, “But what about my wife?”

The rich guy says, “She can come too!”

The poor man says, “But my children are just up the road, what about them?”

The rich guy, reluctantly say’s, “They can come too”.

The poor man says “How about my aunt and uncle, and sisters?”

To which the rich guys replies,

“Just how big do you think my lawn is?”

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Secret Code

Secret Code

After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.

So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:

370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.

So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.

They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office.

They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer.

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.

All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

George Bush chuckled and replied: ‘Bud, you’re holding it upside down!’

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How to be a Good Republican

# You have to believe that 8 years of national prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush but that, yesterday’s gas prices is all Clinton’s fault.

# You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

# You have to be against government programs, but expect Social Security checks on-time.

# You have to believe that government should stay out of people’s lives, except to regulate opposite-gender marriages, what your official language should be, and what form of birth control, if any, you should use.

# You have to believe that pollution is ok, as long as it makes a profit.

# You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don’t pray to Allah or Buddha.

# You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.

# You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body but that large multinational corporations should have no regulation or interference whatsoever.

# You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.

# You have to believe that society is colorblind and, growing up black in America doesn’t diminish your opportunities, but you still won’t vote for Alan Keyes.

# You have to believe that it was wise to allow Ken Starr to spend $50 million dollars to attack Clinton because no other U.S. presidents have ever been unfaithful to their wives.

# You have to believe that a waiting period for purchasing a handgun is bad because quick access to a new firearm is an important concern for all Americans.

# You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know, if teenagers don’t have condoms, they won’t have sex.

# You have to believe that the ACLU is bad because they defend the Constitution, while the NRA is good because they defend the Constitution.

# You have to believe that socialism hasn’t worked anywhere, and that Europe doesn’t exist.

# You have to believe that the AIDS virus is not important enough to deserve federal funding proportionate to the resulting death rate and that the public doesn’t need to be educated about it, because if we just ignore it, it will go away.

# You have to believe that biology teachers are corrupting the morals of 6th graders if they teach them the basics of human sexuality, but the Bible, which is full of sex and violence, is good reading.

# You have to believe that Chinese communist missiles have killed more Americans than handguns, alcohol, and tobacco.

# You have to believe that even though governments have supported the arts for 5000 years and that, most of the great works of Renaissance art were paid for by governments, our government should shun any such support. After all, the rich can afford to buy their own and the poor don’t need any.

# You have to believe that the lumber from the last one percent of old growth U.S. forests is well worth the destruction of those forests andthe extinction of the several species of plants and animals therein.

# You have to believe that we should forgive and pray for Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde, and Bob Livingston for their marital infidelities, but Clinton should have been impeached.

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Survivor, Texas Style

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own, entitled Survivor – Texas Style. The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there, they’ll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read, “I’m gay”, “I’m a vegetarian”, “I voted for Al Gore”, “George Strait Sucks”, “Hillary in 2008”, and “I’m here to confiscate your guns!” The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

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I am a conservative!

This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the US department of energy. I then took a shower in the clean water provided by the municipal water utility. After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC regulated channels to see what the national weather service of the national oceanographic and atmospheric administration determined the weather was going to be like using satellites designed, built, and launched by the national aeronautics and space administration. I watched this while eating my breakfast of US department of agriculture inspected food and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the food and drug administration.At the appropriate time as regulated by the US congress and kept accurate by the national institute of standards and technology and the US naval observatory, I get into my national highway traffic safety administration approved automobile and set out to work on the roads build by the local, state, and federal departments of transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the environmental protection agency, using legal tender issued by the federal reserve bank. On the way out the door I deposit any mail I have to be sent out via the US postal service and drop the kids off at the public school.After spending another day not being maimed or killed at work thanks to the workplace regulations imposed by the department of labor and the occupational safety and health administration, enjoying another two meals which again do not kill me because of the USDA, I drive my NHTSA car back home on the DOT roads, to my house which has not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and fire marshal's inspection, and which has not been plundered of all its valuables thanks to the local police department.I then log on to the internet which was developed by the defense advanced research projects administration and post on freerepublic.com and fox news forums about how SOCIALISM in medicine is BAD because the government can't do anything right.

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a generous lawyer

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road-side. He ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.

“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.

“Oh, well, you can come with me to my house,” instructed the lawyer.

“But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!”

“Bring them along!” replied the lawyer.

He turned to the other man and said: “You come with us, too.”

“But I have a wife and six children,” the second man answered.

“Bring them as well” replied the lawyer.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says: “Sir you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied: “Glad to do it. You’ll love my place; the grass is almost a foot tall.”

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Republican Christian

A man is walking through the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to devour her right in front of the little girl’s screaming parents.

The man runs to the cage, hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the man returns her to her terrified parents.

A New York Times reporter has seen the whole scene and says to the rescuer. Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life, he says.

Why, it was nothing, the man says. Really, the lion was behind bars and I knew God would protect me just as He did Daniel in the lion’s den long, long ago. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt was right.

I noticed a bible in your pocket ” are you a republican? asked the journalist.

Yes, and I’m a christian on my way to a bible study, the man replies.

Well, I’ll make sure this act won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist and tomorrow’s paper will have this on the front page, he says before leaving.

The following morning the man buys a copy of the New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on first page:

Right Wing Republican Christian Fundamentalist Assaults African Immigrant and Steals His Lunch.

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