Tiki Humor

Speeding in Ireland

GOOD: Wexford: Police Traffic Corps had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but weren’t getting many. Then they discovered the problem – a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read ‘SPEED TRAP AHEAD’. The police also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading ‘TIPS’ and a bucket full of money.

BETTER: A motorist was mailed a photo of his car speeding through an automated speed check on the N4. A €80 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police a photo of €80. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST: A Young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Traffic Corps policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, ‘I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Police Traffic Department Ball.’ He replied, ‘The Police Traffic Department don’t have balls…..’

There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

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Ever been picked up by the fuzz?

Two prostitutes are standing on a corner. One says to the other, “Ever been picked up by the fuzz?”

The other replies, “No, but I’ve been swung around by the tits.”

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idiot cop

Her car was speeding along Interstate 80 at well over 80 miles an hour when it passed by a State Trooper’s position…

Obviously, the officer was compelled to pull the young female driver over and he asked to see her license.

After looking it over, he said to her, “It stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses.”

“Well, I have contacts,” the woman replied.

“Look lady, I don’t care who you know,” snapped the officer. “You’re getting a ticket.”

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dumbfounded police officer

Early Saturday morning a policeman waited across the street from a popular bar, hoping for a nail a drunken driver, possibly preventing a tragic accident.

At closing time the patrons came out and the officer spotted his potential quarry. One man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.

After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.

Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.

The patrolman was dumbfounded. “This equipment must be broken!” he exclaimed.

“I doubt it,” said the man, “Tonight I am the designated decoy!”

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Clever Speeder Part II

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball”.

He replied, “Pennsylvania State Troopers don’t have balls”.

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he’d just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

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Clever speeder

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver’s license?

Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?

Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Who’s car is this?

Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?

Driver: Yeah, and I’ll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!

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Peddling Dirty Pictures

A scruffy young man was questioned by one of New York’s finest for peddling dirty pictures. But you’re mistaken, said the kid. These pictures aren’t dirty. Selecting one, the policeman said, Do you mean to tell me this isn’t a dirty picture? The young man responded, Don’t be such a prude, officer! Haven’t you ever seen five people in love? 

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The Best Law Enforcement

The Los Angeles Police Dept., the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it — including the rabbit — and make no apologies. Their press release on their “successful operation” notes “The rabbit had it coming.”

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, “OK, OK — I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit!”

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Anything you say will be held against you

A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. She tells the man,
Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you. The drunk replies, Tits.

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Bad Drunk Driver

From the country where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in
Austin, Texas after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the
bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the
officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he
tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his
car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the
bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off “it was a
fine, dry summer night “, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of
times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then
remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other
patrons’ vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled
out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started
up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man
over and administered a Breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man
had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to
the police station.

This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken.’

˜I doubt it,’ said the truly proud Redneck. ˜Tonight I’m the
designated decoy.’

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Old Maids

One night, a policeman was busy making the rounds in his small town. Around midnight he spotted two old maids sitting in a car in a used car lot.

The policeman approached the car and asked the ladies, “Excuse me, but why are you sitting in a car on this used car lot after business hours? Are you trying to steal this car?”

“Good heavens, no!” one of the ladies said, “I just bought this car today, officer.”

“Have you come back tonight to drive your car home?” the policeman asked.

“Not at all,” the woman replies, “I don’t have a driver’s license.”

“Then why did you buy this car?”

“Well, we were told by our friends that if we bought a car from this used car lot, that we’d get screwed. Now we’re just waiting here for our screwing, and we’re not leaving until we get it!”

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