Tiki Humor

Dream Job

A young man goes into the Job Center in Wichita, Kansas, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist’s Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more – “Can you give me some more details?” he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, “The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination. There’s an annual salary of $45,000, but you’re going to have to go to Houston, Texas. That’s about 616 miles from here.”

“Oh, is that where the job is?”,

“No sir – that’s where the end of the queue is right now.”

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What do you call the guy who graduates at the bottom of his class in Medical School?

Doctor

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Ear infection

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor’s office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what’s wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There’s nothing worse than a Doctor’s Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, ‘Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’

‘There’s something wrong with my dick’, he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, ‘You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ‘

‘Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ he said.

The Receptionist replied; ‘Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.’

The man replied, ‘You shouldn’t ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes??’

‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. ‘And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?’

‘I can’t piss out of it,’ he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter…

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Baby’s first exam

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

“Breast fed,” she replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered. She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while, in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”

I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.”

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Auto mechancic vs Cardiologist

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Dodge SRT-4 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in the shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the SRT.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in and, when I finish it works just like new.”

“So how is it I make only $39,000 a year, a pretty small salary, and you get the really big bucks, $1.6 million, when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic…

“Try doing it with the engine running.”

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Doctors Visit

I went to the doctor’s the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female; absolutely drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.”

So I said,
“I think my penis may taste funny…”

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not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients

As she lay there dozing next to him, a voice inside his head kept saying, “Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients.”

But another voice kept reminding him, “Howard, you are a fuck’n veterinarian.”

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pickle slicer fucker

There’s a man who has been mandated by his pickle factory to go see a psychiatrist. Every week it’s the same story: the man wants to stick his dick in the pickle slicer, and the shrink has to talk him out of it.

Finally, the man can’t take it anymore. “Doc, I gotta do it. I gotta stick my dick in the slicer. I can’t even explain why, but I have to.”

The shrink says, “No; you’ll lose your dick, they’ll have to replace the machinery, it’ll just be awful.” But it’s to no avail.

The next week the man comes into the office with a huge grin on his face.

“I did it, I finally did it. I had fucked the pickle slicer.”
“How was it? How do you feel?”
“Great.”
“Did you get fired?”
“Yeah.”
“What did they do with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, they fired her too.”

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I have to quit masturbating

Today I was getting an examination and the doctor said that I’m going to have to quit masturbating 🙁

I asked why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

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how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. “Well,” said the director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient And ask him or her to empty the bathtub.” “Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.” “No.” said the director, “A normal person would pull the plug….. Do you want a bed near the window?”

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A Medical Funeral

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.

When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: “Why are you laughing?”

“I was thinking about my own funeral” the man replied.

“What’s so funny about that?”

“I’m a gynecologist.”

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What Doctors Say… and what they’re really thinking

“This should be taken care of right away.”
I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

“Welllllll, what have we here…?”
He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue.

“Let me check your medical history.”
I want to see if you paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.

“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”
I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time..or..I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.

“I have some good news and some bad news.”
The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.

“Let’s see how it develops.”
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

“Let me schedule you for some tests.”
I have 40% interest in the lab.

“I’d like to have my associate look at you.”
He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

“I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

“If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”
I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

“That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”
I think I’m going to throw up.

“This may smart a little.”
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…?”
I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

“This should fix you up.”
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

“Everything seems to be normal.”
Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.

“I’d like to run some more tests.”
I can’t figure out what’s wrong maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

“Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?”
You’re crazier’n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who’ll split fees with me…”

“There is a lot of that going around.”
My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about this.

“If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment.”
I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I’m off next week!

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Calling in sick

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed to determine the source of the pain.

My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.

I turned to my husband and asked, “Would you like me to call the funeral home now?”

With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped, “Honey, he’s not THAT sick!”

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second opinion

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too.”

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$350.”

“$350 to tell me my dog is dead?!” exclaims the man.

“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $300 was for the cat scan.”

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Bag Gonorrhea

A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams.

Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news.

The good news, he explained, is that your fiance has a particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before.

The guy paled. If that’s the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?

Well,  the doctor elaborated, the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog’s vet.

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Professional Advise

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

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pain in my back

Chris and Choche were talking one day when Chris says, I went to see the doctor the other day for that pain in my back. So what happened? Choche asked. Well, he ran a bunch of tests, gave me some pills and sent me home. Told me to stay in bed for a week. He also told me to sit down whenever I had to pee. Can you imagine that? A grown man having to sit to pee? Why would he want you to sit to pee? Choche asked Well, said Chris, With my bad back, he doesn’t want me picking up anything too heavy.

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Miracle Piano Player

During an exciting game of football a player had two fingers of his
right hand badly smashed, and on his way home from the ground he dropped into the doctor’s to have them attended to.

“Doctor,” he asked, anxiously. “When this hand of mine heals, will I be
able to play the piano?”

“Certainly you will,” the doctor assured him.

“Then you’re a wonder, doctor. I never could before.”

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“Do you think I shall live until I’m ninety, doctor?”

“Do you think I shall live until I’m ninety, doctor?”

“How old are you now?”

“Forty.”

“Do you drink, gamble, smoke, or have you any vices of any kind?”

“No. I don’t drink, I never gamble, I loathe smoking; in fact, I haven’t
any vices.”

“Well, good heavens, what do you want to live another fifty years for?”

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to improve his stamina

A doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one pill a day and one drink of whiskey to improve his stamina. A month later, when Mrs. Stone came in for another visit, the doctor asked, How are we doing with the pill and the whiskey? Mrs. Stone answered, Well, he’s a little behind with the pills, but he’s about six months ahead with the whiskey.

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Playing Doctor

After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor’s boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother. It’s only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age, the neighbor said. Sexuality?! the mother yelled. He took out her appendix!

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Some Bad News and Some VERY Bad News

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, you might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! That’s terrible! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news?

Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.

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Viagra Prescription

An older man goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for Viagra and requests the largest dose possible. The doctor asks why he needs so much and the man explains that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor nods and fills the prescription.

Later that week, the same man goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers. The doctor asks: Why? Is your penis in that much pain?

No, the man responds. It’s for my wrists – the girls never showed up!

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The Second Coming

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, OK, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?

The mother says, It’s my daughter, Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and she’s sick most mornings.

The doctor gives Darla a thorough examination, then turns to the mother and says, Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant ” about four months would be my guess.

The mother says, Pregnant?!? She can’t be. She has never even been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?

Darla says, No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!

The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, Is there something wrong out there, doctor?

The doctor replies, No, not really. It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it this time!

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Eye Test

A young woman visited her eye doctor complaining of failing eyesight.
The doctor sat her in front of a standard eye chart.
Doctor: Can you read the bottom line?
Girl: No.
Doctor: Can you read the center line?
Girl: No.
Doctor: Can you read the large top line?
Girl: No.
Doctor (getting frustrated): Can you even see the chart?
Girl: No.
The doctor is clearly frustrated and whips his penis out of his pants.
Doctor: Can you see this?
Girl: Of course!
Doctor: Well, there’s your problem – you’re cock-eyed!

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