Tiki Humor

I had terrible internet connection on my farm till I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi.

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A farmer has 895 sheep

Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he’ll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.

So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- they seem very fit, but young and untrained. The shopkeeper asks the farmer if he wants any help.

“Why yes,” says the farmer. I need a team of sheepdogs to help round up my flock. I have a rather large number of sheep, you see, and I don’t think any of these young pups would be up to the task of rounding up so many.”

The shopkeeper says, “I’ve got just the thing for you.” and leads the farmer into a small back room, where a single sheepdog sits waiting.

“Are you sure?” asks the farmer, “I have very many sheep and I don’t think one dog will be able to round all of them up.”.

“I’m sure.” says the shopkeeper, “This is a very intelligent dog. He’s been well-trained for many jobs and has skills beyond any other dog I’ve ever seen.”

“Yes,” says the dog, “I know six languages, eight martial arts and I have a degree in engineering.” The farmer, clearly very impressed by this dog- who wouldn’t be impressed by that?- decides to take him home.

That afternoon, the farmer and the dog walk together up hill, and from the top they can see the entire flock covering the fields. “Well,” says the farmer, “I’d like you to round up all of these sheep.”.

“Okay.” replies the dog, “You have nine hundred sheep.”

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Country Susan

When you’re from the country, your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your dad or mom home?” said the farmer.

“No, they went to town.”

“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”

“No, he went with Mom and Dad.”

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself.

When the young boy says. “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.”

“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susan pregnant”.

The boy thought for a moment…then says “You’ll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $50 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”

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An Old Man and His Garden

An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden; but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received this letter from his son:

Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love, Vinnie

At 6 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Vinnie

via reddit.

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Getting a divorce

A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, “May I help you?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces.”

The attorney said, “Well do you have any grounds?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres.”

The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand, do you have a case?”

The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.”

The attorney said, “No you don’t understand, I mean do you have a grudge?”

The farmer said, “Yea I got a grudge, that’s where I park my John Deere.”

The attorney said, “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?”

The farmer said, “Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.”

The exasperated attorney said, “Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?”

The farmer said, “No sir, we both get up about 4:30.”

Finally, the attorney says, “Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?”

And the farmer says, “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.”

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What’s the difference between a good ol’ boy and a redneck?

What’s the difference between a good ol’ boy and a redneck?

The good ol’ boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.

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