Tiki Humor

What’s the difference between a Zippo and a hippo?

One’s really heavy, and the other’s a little lighter.

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What’s the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

One of them’s heavy and the others a little lighter.

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What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller.

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Bob was in trouble

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

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Half and Half

Mrs. Murphy is very fat, and the other day, laden with parcels and
packages, she was trying to mount the steps of a Dublin tramcar.
Helplessly looking on, stood the conductor, a diminutive little chap.

Mrs. Murphy, having reached the platform, said, with a glance of
withering scorn: “If ye was half a man ye would have helped me up.”

The little conductor calmly replied: “Shure, ma’am, if ye was half a
woman I would!”

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One-third of all Americans

The number of Americans who are obese now outnumber the number of Americans who are merely overweight. One-third of all Americans are obese.

You know what that means? One out of every three people is three people.

– Jay Leno

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