A ham sandwich walks into a bar
and asks for a drink. The bartender replies, “We don’t serve food here”.
Why did the computer cross the road?
To get a byte to eat!
I always heat up my Thanksgiving Leftovers
I quit cold turkey a long time ago
What do you call fake spaghetti?
Impasta
What is it called when a chickpea is killed?
Hummicide
Why couldn’t the grape help his friend move into his new house?
“Because he was in a jam
Which wouldn’t be bad, but all the grapes that DID help just whined the whole time.”
How do you send a sandwich to someone on a computer?
One byte at a time
Which state has the smallest soft drinks?
Minisoda
How do you repair a broken tomato?
Tomato Paste!
What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
A Slipper.
Why did the Orange go out with a Prune?
Because he couldn’t find a Date!
What do you call two ducks and a cow?
Quackers and Milk.
Why was the employee fired from the orange juice factory?
Because he couldn’t concentrate
A carton of yogurt walk into a bar. The barman says to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here!”
The yogurt cartons says back to him, “Why? I’m cultured.”
What did baby corn say to mummy corn?
Where’s popcorn?
What’s the fastest liquid on earth?
Milk. It’s pasteurized before you see it.
Meanwhile, when I was much younger…
I remember the time, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parent’s home. I had scraped together enough money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu: Shrimp Cocktail, 3 lb Lobster, even Champagne. I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?” “No,” she replied, “but Mom’s not expecting a blow job tonight.”
I said, “Would you care for dessert?”
Know why I make my pot brownies with chocolate laxatives?
For shits and giggles.
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank coffee before it was cool
So I poured my root beer into a square glass…
now I just have beer
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Why can’t you tell jokes about the Jonestown Massacre?
The punchlines are too long.
thermos blonde joke
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took It to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, ‘Why, that’s a Thermos….. It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.’
‘Wow’, said the blonde, ‘that’s amazing….I’m going to buy it!’
So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. ‘What’s that,’ he asked?
‘Why, that’s a Thermos…. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,’ she replied.
Her boss inquired, ‘What do you have in it?’
The blond replied……’Two popsicles & some coffee.’
What’s special about a bulimic birthday party?
The cake jumps out of the girl
(1 votes, average: 1.00 out of 5)
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Tagged with Birthdays, Eating Disorders, Food
A Cup of Tea
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.
My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know), “‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?”
(4.86 out of 5)