What’s the fastest liquid on earth?
Milk. It’s pasteurized before you see it.
Meanwhile, when I was much younger…
I remember the time, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parent’s home. I had scraped together enough money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu: Shrimp Cocktail, 3 lb Lobster, even Champagne. I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?” “No,” she replied, “but Mom’s not expecting a blow job tonight.”
I said, “Would you care for dessert?”
Know why I make my pot brownies with chocolate laxatives?
For shits and giggles.
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank coffee before it was cool
So I poured my root beer into a square glass…
now I just have beer
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Why can’t you tell jokes about the Jonestown Massacre?
The punchlines are too long.
thermos blonde joke
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took It to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, ‘Why, that’s a Thermos….. It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.’
‘Wow’, said the blonde, ‘that’s amazing….I’m going to buy it!’
So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. ‘What’s that,’ he asked?
‘Why, that’s a Thermos…. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,’ she replied.
Her boss inquired, ‘What do you have in it?’
The blond replied……’Two popsicles & some coffee.’
What’s special about a bulimic birthday party?
The cake jumps out of the girl
(1 votes, average: 1.00 out of 5)
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Tagged with Birthdays, Eating Disorders, Food
A Cup of Tea
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.
My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know), “‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?”
A ham sandwich walked into a bar…
A ham sandwich walked into a bar and ordered a beer.
Bartender said ‘I am sorry we don’t serve food here’
Try my soup
A guy at a restaurant calls his waiter over.
“Try my soup.”
The waiter is confused.
“Is your soup too hot?”
“Try my soup.”
“Is your soup too cold?”
“Try my soup.”
“Is there a fly in your soup?”
“Just try my soup!”
The waiter, tired of the guessing game, gives in.
“Okay fine, I’ll try your soup!”
The waiter tries the soup. It’s warm instead of hot, and a bit too sour, but seems fine. Halfway through, he finds a roach in the bowl, and throws up.
“Oh god, there’s a roach in your soup!”
“I know, it made me puke too.”
via reddit.
They Say Nice Things
A guy is sitting alone in a bar nursing his drink. The bartender is at the other end of the bar cleaning a glass. The guy suddenly hears a little whisper of a voice that says, “Nice hat.”
He looks around but he’s the only one nearby. He thinks nothing of it and keeps drinking. A few minutes later he hears this same voice, “Nice shirt.”
Now he’s getting a little paranoid because there’s still no one else in the bar. He calls the bartender over and orders another drink. Several minutes later he hears the voice, “Nice tie.”
He just about loses it. He calls the bartender over and says, “man, am I going crazy? I keep hearing voices!” The bartender asks, “What are they saying?” “Nice hat, nice shirt, nice tie.” The bartender says, “ah, it’s the peanuts; they’re complimentary.”
Where’s the scratch?
Customer: “Hello, young man, can you help me?”
Me: “Yes ma’am. What can I do for you?”
Customer: “Where do you keep your scratch?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Customer: “Scratch! Where do you keep it? I need some to make pie!”
Me: “I’m not sure that I’m clear on what you need. Can you tellme what you are going to use it for?”
Customer: “My husband says that I need to make pie from scratch for Christmas, so I need to buy some scratch for the pie.”
Me: “Ma’am, that just means that you buy the ingredients and make the pie yourself.”
Customer: “I don’t have time to make pie myself! I need some scratch!”
Jewish Wisdom
During a conversation between an Irishman and a Jew, the Irishman asked
how it was that the Jews were so wise.
“Because,” said the Jew, “we eat a certain kind of fish;” and he offered
to sell one for ten dollars.
After paying his money, the Irishman received a small dried fish. He bit
into it, then exclaimed: “Why, this is only a smoked herring.”
“See?” said the Jew. “You are getting wise already.”
Odd Menu
A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere , parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes thru the swingin’ doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar :
COLD BEER : $2.00
HAMBURGER : $2.25
CHEESEBURGER : $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB : $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole’ biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender
serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers..
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
˜Yes?’ she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, ˜may I help you?’
The ole biker leans over the bar, I was wondering young lady, he whispers, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs Why yes, Yes, I sure am.
The ole’ biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger.
legs or breasts?
When asked if I preferred legs or breasts, I told the stranger that I had a particular fondness for nice hairy pussies. He then informed me that this wasn’t an option when choosing a KFC Bargain Bucket.
Ice Cream Eater
A woman goes shoe-shopping one day. As the salesman is helping her try on shoes he notices she is not wearing panties. He looks at the woman and says, Man, I’d love to fill that with ice cream and eat it! The woman slaps the man and runs home to tell her husband. The husband acts disinterested and his wife gets angry and asks, Aren’t you going to do anything!? The husband replies, First of all, you have too many shoes as it is.Second, you shouldn’t be out shopping without panties. And third of all, I’m not going to mess with anyone who can eat that much ice cream!
Being An Egg Ain’t Easy
5 Reasons Why It Stinks Being an Egg:
1) You only get laid once.
2) You only get eaten once.
3) It takes you seven minutes to get hard.
4) You have to come in a box with 11 other guys.
5) The only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.
Gimme some fucking waffles
One day, a mother and her two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out: Ouch you fucking wanker!
Later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. She said: Father, my boys just won’t stop swearing and I don’t know what to do.
Well, have you tried smacking them? the priest asked.
No, she replied. Doesn’t the church look down on that?
Well, the priest said, yes, but in some cases we’ll make an exception.
The next day, the two boys came down for breakfast and she asked Tommy what he wanted to eat.
Tommy said: Gimme some fucking waffles.
The mother backhanded Tommy so hard that he flew out of his chair and landed against the door.
Shocked and terrified by this, Timmy became very quiet. His mother asked him what he wants for breakfast, and he replied,
Well you can bet your sweet ass I don’t want no fucking waffles!