Tiki Humor

Allowing gays to serve openly..

“Allowing gays to serve openly in the Army is a long overdue reform, but it must be accompanied by an assurance that heterosexuals will be able to serve openly in the Navy.”

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Two deer walk out of a gay bar…

…one turns to the other and says “I can’t believe I just blew 30 bucks in there.”

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stay here for tonight

A traveling salesman’s car breaks down in the country, so he decides to call on the closest farmhouse.

When the farmer opens the door, the salesman says, “Sir, my car died just up the road. Could I stay here for tonight?”

The farmer says, “Sure, but I have a very handsome son and you’ll have to promise not to sleep with him.”

“Excuse me,” says the salesman, “but I think I’m in the wrong joke.”

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A cabbie picks up a nun

She gets into the cab and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you”.

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have,you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes!, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.” The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”

“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied. I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

via BnP.

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Stud Rooster

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new Stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new Rooster struts over to the old rooster and Says,’OK old fart; Time for you to Retire

The old rooster replies, ‘Come on, surely you cannot
handle ALL of these Chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can’t you just let me have the two old hens Over in the corner?’

The young rooster Says, ‘Beat it: You are washed Up And I am taking Over.’

The old Rooster says, ‘I tell you what, young Stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken Coop.’

The young rooster Laughs. ‘You know you don’t Stand a chance, old man. So, just to be Fair, I will give you a head Start.’

The old rooster takes Off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.

They round the front porch of the Farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet Behind the old rooster and gaining fast!

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is Squawking and running as hard as He can.

The Farmer grabs his shotgun And – BOOM – He blows the Young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and Says, Dammit…Third gay rooster I bought
this Month.’

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A Very Gay Day

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman “Give me six double vodkas.”

The barman says “Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender says “Geez! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

“Yeah, my wife…”

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Escaped Prisoner’s Choice

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:

“Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”

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belligerent drunk

 

A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: I can lick any man in the fuck’n place!

The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says: Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?

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