Tiki Humor

Bedroom Golf

THE RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF!

1. EACH PLAYER SHALL FURNISH HIS OWN EQUIPMENT FOR PLAY – NORMALLY ONE CLUB AND TWO BALLS.

2. PLAY ON A COURSE MUST BE APPROVED BY THE OWNER OF THE HOLE.

3. UNLIKE OUTDOOR GOLF, THE OBJECT IS TO GET EH CLUB IN THE HOLE AND KEEP THE BALLS OUT.

4. FOR THE MOST EFFECTIVE PLAY, THE BLUCH SHOULD HAVE A FIRM SHAFT. COURSE OWNERS ARE PERMITTED TO CHECK SHAFT STIFFNESS BEFORE PLAY BEGINS.

5. COURSE OWNERS RESERVE THE RIGHT TO RESTRICT CLUB LENGTH TO AVOID DAMAGE TO THE GOLE.

6. THE OBJECT OF THE GAME IS TO TAKE AS MANY STRIKE AS NECESSARY UNTIL THE COURSE OWNER IS SATISFIED THAT PLAY IS COMPLETE. FAILURE TO DO SO MAY RESLULT IN VBEING DENIED PERMISSION TO PLAY THE COURSE AGIAN.

7. IT IS CONSIDERED BAD FORM TO BEGIN PLAYING THE HOLE IMMEDIATLY UPON ARRIVAL AT THE COURSE. THE EXPERIENCED PLAYER WILL NORMALLY TAKE TIME TO ADMIRE THE ENTIRE COURSE WITH SPECIAL ATTENTION TO WELL FORMED BUNKERS.

8. PLAYERS ARE CAUTIONED NOT TO MENTION OTHER COURSES THEY HAVE PLAYED, OR ARE CURRENTLYU PLAYING, TO THE OWNER OF THE OURSE BEING PLAYED. UPSET COURSE OWNERS HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO DAMAGE PLAYER’S EQUIPMENT FOR THIS REASON.

9. PLAYERS ARE ENCOURAGED TO BRING PROPER RAIN GEAR FOR THEIR OWN PROTECTION.

10. PLAYERS SHOULD ENSURE THEMSELVED THAT EHIR MATCH HAS BEE PROPERLY SCHEDUALED, PARTICULARLY WHEN A NEW COURSE IS BEIGN PLAYED FO THE FIRST TIME. PREVIOUSE PLAYERS HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO BECOME IRATE IF THEY DISCOVER SOMEONE ELSE PLAYING ON WHAT THEY CONSIDERED TO BE A PRIVATE COURSE.

11. PALYERS SHOULD NOT ASSUME A COURSE IS IN SHAPE FOR PLAY AT ALL TIMES. SOME PLAYERS MAY BE EMBARRASSED IF THEY FIND THE COURSE TO BE TEMPORARILY UNDER REPAIR. PLAER ARE ADVISED TO BE EXTREMELY TACTUFUL IN THSI SITUATION. MORE ADVANCED PLAYERS WILL FIND ALTERNATIVE MEANS OF PLAY WHEN THIS IS THE CASE.

12. THE COURSE OWNER IS RESPONSIBLE FOR MANICURING AND PRUNING ANY BUCH AROUDN THE HOLE TO ALLOW FOR IMPROVED VIEWIN OF, ALIGNMENT WITH, AND APPROACH TO THE HOLE.

13. PLAYERS ARE ADVISED TO OBTAIN THE OURSE OWNERS PERMISSION BEFORE ATTEMPTING TO PLAY THE BACK NINE.

14. SLOW PLAY IS ENCOURSGED. HOWEVER, PLAYERS HSOULD BE PREPARE TO PROCEED AT A QUICKER PACE, AT LEAST TEMPORARILY, AT THE COURSE OWNER’S REQUEST.

15. IT IS CONSIDERED OUTSTANDING PERFORMANCE, TIME PERMITTING, TO PLAY THE SMAE HOLE SEVERAL TIMES IN ONE MATCH.

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Pregnancy class

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you! Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several steps and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”

She looked at the men in the room, “and Gentlemen, remember — You’re in this together — It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her.

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

Yes”, answered the Instructor.

I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

via Bits and Pieces.

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the golfing nun

A nun walked into Mother Superior’s office and plunked down into a chair. She let out a sigh heavy with frustration.

‘What troubles you, Sister?’ asked the Mother Superior. ‘I thought this was the day you spent with your family.’

‘It was,’ sighed the Sister. ‘And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.’

‘I seem to recall that,’ the Mother Superior agreed. ‘So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?’

‘Far from it,’ snorted the Sister. ‘In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!’

‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ‘You must tell me all about it!’

‘Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother-540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight !’

‘Oh my!’ commiserated the Mother. ‘How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!

”No, that wasn’t it,’ admitted Sister. ‘While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!’

‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!’ sympathized the Mother.

‘But I didn’t, Mother!’ sobbed the Sister. ‘And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!’

‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile.

‘Nope, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!’

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said… ’You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?’

via Bits and Pieces

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Stranded

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a good cigar?”

“Ten years,” replied the amazed Irishman

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. “Faith and begorrah,” said the castaway, “that is so good! I’d almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!”

“And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Bushmill’s Irish Whiskey?” asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years.”

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. ” ‘Tis nectar of the gods!” shouted the Irishman. ” ‘Tis truly fantastic!!!”

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, “And how long has it been since you played around?”

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, “Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there too!”

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Broken WIndow Genie

A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, Come on in.  Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor.

A man on the couch says, Are you the people who broke my window?  The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off. Actually, I want to thank you ”I’m a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes, so what I’d like to do is give each of you one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.

Fantastic!  says the husband. I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.

No problem,  says the genie, it’s the least I could do. And you, ma’am, what do you want?

I want a house in every country in the world,  says the wife.

Consider it done,  the genie replies, turning back to the man. And now for my wish. Because I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife.

The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don’t mind, honey, I don’t either.

The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours. After he’s through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, How old is your husband, anyway?

Thirty-five, she replies.

And he still believes in genies?

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