Tiki Humor

A real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and
never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and
comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never
thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will
enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most
intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the
most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most
confident, sexy, seductive, invincible . . . No wait . . .
I’m thinking of alcohol.

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”

“Is it common?”
“Well, ‘It’s Not Unusual.’”

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly.
“It’s true; no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know, I amputated your arms!”

13. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
“But why,” they asked, as they moved off.
“Because,” he said. “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named ‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him ‘Juan.’ Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good)… a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Secret Code

After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.

So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:

370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.

So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.

They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office.

They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer.

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.

All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

George Bush chuckled and replied: ‘Bud, you’re holding it upside down!’

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new Stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new Rooster struts over to the old rooster and Says,’OK old fart; Time for you to Retire

The old rooster replies, ‘Come on, surely you cannot
handle ALL of these Chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can’t you just let me have the two old hens Over in the corner?’
The young rooster Says, ‘Beat it: You are washed Up And I am taking Over.’
The old Rooster says, ‘I tell you what, young Stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken Coop.’

The young rooster Laughs. ‘You know you don’t Stand a chance, old man. So, just to be Fair, I will give you a head Start.’

The old rooster takes Off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.

They round the front porch of the Farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet Behind the old rooster and gaining fast!

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is Squawking and running as hard as He can.

The Farmer grabs his shotgun And – BOOM – He blows the Young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and Says, Dammit…Third gay rooster I bought
this Month.’

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY
In Florida, an atheist created a case against the Upcoming Easter and
Passover days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case
against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days. The
argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized
days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the
passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel
declaring,”Case dismissed!”

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the Ruling , “Your honor, how
can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas,
Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah,
yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..”

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, “But you do. Your client,
counsel, is woefully ignorant.”

The lawyer said, “Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance
or holiday for atheists.”

The judge said, “The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm
14:1 states, ‘The fool says in his heart, there is no God.’ Thus, it is
the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God,
then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day.. Court is
adjourned.

She Wants On Top!

Angelina and Giuseppi were standing before the judge in divorce court.

Angelina says, “Your honor, we benna marry 25 years ana Giuseppi he’always pickna his nose ana when we maka love he’s a never letsa me on top. I just canna taka dis anymore.”

The judge listens solemnly then addresses Giuseppi.

“Giuseppi, isa dis true? You always a picka your nose and you never let Angelina on top? What you gotta say fora yourself?”

Giuseppi says, “Well your honor, itsa true. I picka my nose a lot and, yeah, Angelina, I tella her she’sa gotta be on da bottom. Itsa all go’sa back to when I’ma young boy. My poppa, he’sa very smarta man. I always follow ev’ryting he say. My poppa one day he says, ‘Giuseppi, I gotta tella you da two main secrets ofa hava successful life. Number one, you always keepa your nose clean. Ana number two, never screw
up.”

Doug sat at the bar drowning his sorrows — he’d had a bad day. First, his wife left him for a phys-ed teacher and he found his car had been keyed in the middle of the night. When he arrived at work, he was told his job had been made redundant and he was no longer needed. To top it all off, his doctor’s office called with his test results; Doug had herpes. Probably from the phys-ed teacher.

And so Doug was pounding shots of tequila between sobs. A man sitting at the other end of the bar watched him intently for a few minutes before weaving his way carefully to Doug’s stool.

“Buddy, you look like you’re having a hell of a day,” he slurred.

“You don’t know the half of it,” Doug replied, sniffling.

“Let me cheer you up,” the man said. “I want to show you something.”

The drunk man led Doug over to a window and pointed to the alley four floors below. He explained that the way the buildings were built allowed a thermal to rush up the alley whenever a subway train went by underground. This thermal, the man insisted, was so powerful that it would hold a man in the air and gently lower him to the ground as it dissipated.

“So basically, you’d feel like you were flying,” the man finished.

Doug expressed his disbelief and the man said he’d prove it. He waited until a train rumbled by and leaped out the window. Unbelievably, the man hovered serenely just outside the window before floating slowly toward the ground. As he regained his footing, he looked up at Doug and yelled, “Now you try it!”

Doug waited a few minutes until he could hear a train. He climbed up onto the window sill, took a deep breath, jumped… and plummeted to his death on the concrete below, screaming all the way.

A waitress happened to be walking by and poked her head out the window only to see the drunk man standing over Doug’s spattered remains, giggling to himself. She grimaced and called down to him, “Superman, you are SUCH a prick when you’re drinking.”

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America . MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’ GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this kid)

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I.. ‘
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE:All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

The Los Angeles Police Dept., the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it — including the rabbit — and make no apologies. Their press release on their “successful operation” notes “The rabbit had it coming.”
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, “OK, OK — I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit!”

A woman, heavily pregnant with triplets, was in a supermarket. Suddenly, a man with a balaclava and a gun burst in and shouted, “Everybody put your hands on your head, and get down on your knees! This is a robbery!”
All of the customers did so, but the pregnant woman couldn\’t because she was too large. The theif noticed this, and shot her three times in the uterus before making an escape.
A couple of months later, the triplets were born. They, of course, survived the shots and grew up well without many complications.
Three years after the incident, the mother was in the kitchen reading the newspaper. One of the triplets came into the kitchen adn said, “Mummy, I found a bullet in my poo!”
The mother brushed off the comment and said, “That\’s nice, dear.”
The next day, when the mother was sat in the kitchen, another of the triplets hobbled in and said, “Mum, I found a bullet in my poo!”
The mother, again, just said, “That\’s nice dear.”
The day after that, the mother was in the lounge watching the news, the third of the triplets walked in and said, “Mummy, I -”
“Let me guess, you found a bullet in your poo?”
“No, I farted and shot the cat.”