Tiki Humor

Women’s ass size study

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting.

30% of women think their ass is too fat, 10% of women think their ass is too skinny, The remaining 60% say they don’t care, they love him, he is a good man, and wouldn’t trade him for the world

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The Ex-Wife

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally spoke, “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your tools along with your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley.”

Tom got a horrified look on his face and began choking.

She said, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

He replied, “There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

“Ex-wife!” she screamed, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”

Tom replied: “I wasn’t.”

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$400 a fuck

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, “What are you doing?”

She answers, “I’m moving to Nevada. I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I’m doing for YOU for FREE!”

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he’s going.

He replies, “I’m coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year.”

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Pay me a complement

Wife: I look like a fat, ugly, wrinkly, pig, be a dear and pay me a complement

Husband: Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.

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bridal

A cowboy and his new bride check into a motel. The cowboy explains to the desk clerk that they were just married that morning.

“Would you like the bridal?” the clerk asks them.

“No thanks,” the cowboy answers. “I’ll just hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it.”

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How do you turn a fox into an elephant

Marry it

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Twice Married

Two newlyweds go on their honeymoon. As they start getting hot and heavy, the woman says, “Please be careful with me—I’m a virgin.”

The puzzled man replies, “But you’ve been married three times before.”

“I know,” she says. “But my first husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and he just wanted to look at it. And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was… God, I miss him.”

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What would you do if I won the Lottery?

A husband says to his wife, “What would you do if I won the Lottery?

”She says, “I’d take half, then leave you.”

“Excellent,” he replies,“I won $10 , here’s $5 – now Fuck off!”

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Efficiency experts advice – ‘Don’t try this at home’

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You don’t want to try these techniques at home.”

“Why not?” asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ‘Hon, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’”

“Did it save time?” the person in the audience asked.

“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.”

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a burglar broke into my house

Get this.” said one drinker to his friends at the bar, “Last night while I was here with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.”

“Did he get anything?” his friends asked.

“Yeah, a broken jaw, two teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk.”

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Tired of a listless sex life…

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, “How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?” She glanced at him casually and replied, “You’re never home!”

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Right by his side

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, ‘You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.

’‘When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?

’‘What dear?’ she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

‘I think you’re bad luck… Get the Hell away from me’.

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assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train

A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly…..He in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend we’re married.”

“Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed.

“Good,” she replied. “Get your own fucking blanket.”

After a moment of silence, he farted.

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My husbands home!

“You know,” a guy told his buddies, “I’m a lucky man. I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I had to stay home sick from work.”
“What did she do?” someone asked.” She was so happy to have me home,” he said, “that every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or milkman, she’d shout, ‘My husbands home! My husband’s home!'”

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prescription for cyanide

A lady walks into a drugstore and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist says, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady then explains that she needs it to poison her husband. The pharmacist’s eyes get big and he says, “I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license. They’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not—you cannot have any cyanide!”

The lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looks at the picture and says, “Ohhhh. Well, now. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription!”

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rude beer drinker

A man comes home one day and sits down the cough with a thud. He bellows to his wife to bring him a beer. She comes out with a can in her hand. He says, “In a glass you wench.” She leaves and returns with a glass of beer. He takes the beer without saying anything. She says, “I could have poisoned that.” He looks at his wife and says,”And I would drink it anyway.”

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Bob was in trouble

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

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Lifestyle Acronyms

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says ” I’m a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know… Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.”

The second guy says “I’m a D.I.N.K, you know… Double Income, No Kids.”

The third guy says, ” I’m a R.U.B, you know… Rich, Urban, Biker.”

They turn to the woman and ask her, ” What are you? ”

She replies: ” I’m a WIFE, you know…
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.”

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Anniversary Wishes

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind? The husband replied, All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry. Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, What are you thinking now? He replied, It looks as if I did a pretty good job.

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What do you like most in me

A wife asked her husband: ˜What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?’ He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ˜I like your sense of humor!’

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Brides in White

The curate of a large and fashionable church was endeavoring to teach
the significance of white to a Sunday-school class.

“Why,” said he, “does a bride invariably desire to be clothed in white
at her marriage?”

As no one answered, he explained. “White,” said he, “stands for joy, and
the wedding-day is the most joyous occasion of a woman’s life.”

A small boy queried, “Why do the men all wear black?”–_M.J. Moor_.

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paper cutter

“What are you cutting out of the paper?”

“About a California man securing a divorce because his wife went
through his pockets.”

“What are you going to do with it?”

“Put it in my pocket.”

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Wronged In Laws

It was the usual domestic storm.

“Oh, dear! oh, dear!” moaned wifey in tears. “I wish I’d taken poor
mother’s advice, and never married you!”

Hubby, the strong, silent man, swung round on her quickly, and at last
found voice.

“Did your mother try to stop you marrying me?” he demanded.

Wifey nodded violently.

A look of deep remorse crossed hubby’s face.

“Great Scott,” he cried, in broken tones, “how I wronged that woman!”

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For Love Or Money

“Yes,” said the old man to his visitor, “I am proud of my girls and
would like to see them comfortably married, and as I have made a little
money they will not go penniless to their husbands. There is Mary,
twenty-five years old, and a really good girl. I shall give her $1000
when she marries. Then comes Bet, who won’t see thirty-five again. I
shall give her $3000, and the man who takes Eliza, who is forty, will
have $5000 with her.” The young man reflected a moment and then asked,
“You haven’t one about fifty, have you?”

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Knowledgable Proposals

“He proposed to me last night, mother. What shall I do?”

“But, my dear daughter, you’ve only known him three weeks.”

“I know that, mother, but on the other hand if I delay in accepting him
he might find out some things about me he won’t like, too.”

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