Tiki Humor

I need you to masturbate

Employee : Sir, you called me?

Boss : Yeah, I need you to go to the rest room and masturbate.

Employee : (After a few minutes) Done, sir. Anything else that you’d like me to do?

Boss : Do it again.

Employee : (after a few minutes) Done again, sir. Anything else?

Boss : Do it once more.

Employee : I’m really sorry sir, but I don’t have any stamina left now. I can’t do it anymore.

Boss : Very good, here are my car keys, drop my daughter home.

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Disgusting

I was going through my grandmothers bedside table when I found the most horrible thing I’ve ever seen. A dildo. It was big and blue and disgusting.

And it tasted funny too.

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Spilt BBs

A woman is cooking a pot of soup for her family when she accidentally bumps into a shelf next to the stove, spilling a large container of BB’s into the soup. Rather than take the time to fish them out, she serves the soup to her family.

Later that night, her husband comes over and says “Honey, guess what? I just pissed BB’s!”

A short time later her daughter comes over and says “Mom, guess what? I just pissed BB’s!”

A short time after that her son comes over and says “Mom, guess what?”

“Let me guess. You pissed BB’s” the mother says.

“No,” the son says, “I was jacking off and I shot the cat.”

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I have to quit masturbating

Today I was getting an examination and the doctor said that I’m going to have to quit masturbating 🙁

I asked why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

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Male or Female?

I am still out there job hunting. I always have a problem when filling out the job application and I get to the part about ‘Sex: F or M.’ I never knows which to choose – I really like to Fuck, but I spends most of the time alone Masturbating.

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Rejected Abstinence Signs

* Abstinence: Give Yourself a Hand!

* I say zip it — zip it good!

* Just because it’s the most pleasurable sensation you’ll ever feel in your lifetime doesn’t mean you should rush right out and experience it.

* Hey, do you want Ken Starr all over your ass?!

* Wham, Bam, Thank You Hand!

* Just Say Whoa!

* The Pope does it — now *you* can, too!

* Abstinence: It’s not just for quarrels anymore!

* Leave It Near Beaver

* Don’t think of it as less sex — think of it as more time to watch “Babylon 5” reruns.

* You’ve come a long way, Baby — for nothing!

* Abstinence: No f**kin’ way!

* Spend a little time away from the orifice.

* “Hello, this is President Clinton with an important message for young people…”

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Top Ten Reason to Masturbate

Think of all the money you will save on personal ads.

Your hand will never leave you.

Natural endorphins create a happy mood and outlook on life.

Your dildo doesn’t care if you have sex with another dildo.

Your pocket pussy won’t be hurt if you don’t call the next day.

You don’t have to spend time and money taking your penis pump to dinner.

Your vibrator never wants sex in the morning unless you do.

You don’t need to ask your dong if it has been tested for STD’s.

Your hand does not care if you go right to sleep. And Ravens #1 reason to masturbate..

You get to cum first and last!

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