Tiki Humor

Woman’s VS Man’s Poem

WOMAN’S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man, who’ll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to “how big is my behind?”
I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.

MAN’S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs Who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This Doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a crap.

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Three Wishes

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says “Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.”

The man says “Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.” Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues, “Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here.” Phoof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.

He continues, “Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.” Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

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Divorce Barbie

Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realised that it was his daughter’s birthday and he hadn’t bought her a present.

He drove to the shopping mall, ran to the toy store and said to the saleswoman, “How much is that Barbie in the window?” In a condescending manner, she says “Which Barbie?” She continues, “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for 319.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for £19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for £19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for £19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for £19.95, and Divorced Barbie for £265.00”.

“So why is the Divorced Barbie £265.00 when all the others are only £19.95?” asks Ralph

“Well that’s obvious” says the saleswoman “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture….”

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Busy In Heaven

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?”

The first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.”

“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

“It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.”

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.

“Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding naked inside a refrigerator…”

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Female hormones in beer

Harvard scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoeostrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a
1-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1.) Gained weight
2.) Talked excessively without making sense
3.) Became overly emotional
4.) Couldn’t drive
5.) Failed to think rationally
6.) Argued over nothing
7.) Had to sit down while urinating
8.) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong

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