Tiki Humor

Murphy’s Laws of Combat Operations

001. Friendly fire – isn’t.
002. Recoilless rifles – aren’t.
003. Suppressive fires – won’t.
004. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
005. A sucking chest wound is Nature’s way of telling you to slow down.
006. If it’s stupid but it works, it isn’t stupid.
007. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
008. If at first you don’t succeed, call in an airstrike.
009. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
010. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
011. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
012. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
013. If your attack is going really well, it’s an ambush.
014. The enemy diversion you’re ignoring is their main attack.
015. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
when they’re ready.
when you’re not.
016. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
017. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
020. Five second fuzes always burn three seconds.
021. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
022. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
023. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
024. The easy way is always mined.
025. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
026. Don’t look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for
aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
027. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
028. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
029. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
030. Incoming fire has the right of way.
031. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
032. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
033. If the enemy is within range, so are you.
034. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
035. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren’t.
036. Things that must work together, can’t be carried to the field that way.
037. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
038. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.)
039. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
040. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won’t be able to get out.
041. Tracers work both ways.
042. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
043. When both sides are convinced they’re about to lose, they’re both right.
044. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
045. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
046. Fortify your front; you’ll get your rear shot up.
047. Weather ain’t neutral.
048. If you can’t remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
049. Air defense motto: shoot ’em down; sort ’em out on the ground.
050. ‘Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it’ll go.
051. The Cavalry doesn’t always come to the rescue.
052. Napalm is an area support weapon.
053. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
054. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
055. Sniper’s motto: reach out and touch someone.
056. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
057. The one item you need is always in short supply.
058. Interchangeable parts aren’t.
059. It’s not the one with your name on it; it’s the one addressed “to whom it may concern” you’ve got to think about.
060. When in doubt, empty your magazine.
061. The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
062. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
063. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
064. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
065. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
066. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
067. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel’s HQ.
068. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
069. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
070. A clean (and dry) set of BDU’s is a magnet for mud and rain.
071. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
072. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can’t hit the broad side of a barn.
073. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
074. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon’s operator.
075. Field experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
076. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
077. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
078. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
079. Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
080. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
081. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
082. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don’t know what they want, but they know for certain what they don’t want.
083. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
084. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
085. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
086. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
087. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
088. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
089. Murphy was a grunt.
090. Beer Math –> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
091. Body count Math –> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
092. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
093. All-weather close air support doesn’t work in bad weather.
094. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
095. The crucial round is a dud.
096. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
097. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
098. Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.
099. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
100. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won’t walk into it.
101. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
102. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
103. Odd objects attract fire – never lurk behind one.
104. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
105. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
106. There is always a way, and it usually doesn’t work.
107. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
108. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
109. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
110. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
111. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
112. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
113. Walking point = sniper bait.
114. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
115. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
116. If the enemy is in range so are you.
117. Field experience is something you never get until just after you need it.
118. All or any of the above combined.

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One Marine is better than…

A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: “One Marine is better than ten Isis fighters”.

The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out: “One Marine is better than one hundred Isis ‘S.O.B.’s’”.

Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The voice calls out again: “One Marine is better than a thousand Isis fighters.” The enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible fight is fought … then silence.

Eventually, one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men … it’s a trap. There’s two of them.”

 

One Marine is better than… originally appeared on MyConfinedSpace on February 25, 2015.

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One Marine is better than…

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, “maybe I’ll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!”

The vendor said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing.”

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, “those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about.” Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.

One of the Marines then exclaimed, “Damn, this one doesn’t have any shoes either!”

One Marine is better than… originally appeared on MyConfinedSpace on February 20, 2015.

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Allowing gays to serve openly..

“Allowing gays to serve openly in the Army is a long overdue reform, but it must be accompanied by an assurance that heterosexuals will be able to serve openly in the Navy.”

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No sex since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?” “Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.” The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.” “Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself.” The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

“1955, ma’am.” “

Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”

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The Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?’, asked the teacher.

”Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

”Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. ‘What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

“Don’t screw with Mommy when she’s been drinking.”

via Bits and Pieces.

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desperate lieutenant

The new lieutenant arrived at the Foreign Legion camp in the desert and after settling in inspected his men and whatever. But after a few weeks in the desert the lieutenant was getting a little desperate for companionship and asked the sarge, “What do we do way out here when we… uh… you know… when we need to get a little relief?” The sarge looked at him and said “Oh.. relief… sure… well, we have this camel tied out back of the big tent and …” and the lieutenant interrupted “Say no more, Sarge… I know what to do” and proceeded to go out back behind the tent and have his way with the camel tied there.

After a few minutes a crowd began to form and the lieutenant looked up and asked the men what they were staring at. “Isn’t this how it’s done?” he asked. The sarge looked at him and said “Well, no… usually the men just ride the camel into town where the women are”.

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A story with a moral

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories… There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.

‘Ernie, do you have a story to share?’

‘Yes ma’am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.’

‘Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. ‘What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

‘Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.’

via A story with a moral « Bits & Pieces.

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No sex since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

“Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?”

“1955, ma'am.”

“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me.”

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”

(Gotta love military time)

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Military Bonus Requirement

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.

They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general’s body between any two points he chose.

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked away with a check $960,000.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third as to the additional bonus check.

When the third general was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, “from the tip of my penis, to the bottom of my testicles.”

The pension man said that would be fine, but he’d better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.

The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop his pants…he did…. The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general’s penis and began to work back.

“My God!” he said, “where are your testicles?!”

The general replied, “Back in Nam!”

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Military Bravery

Three generals, one from the Army, one from the Air Force, and the third from the Marine Corps, were having a debate about whose soldiers were the bravest.

To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: “Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing ‘Wild Blue Yonder’, and then jump off!”

“YES SIR!” replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.

The general dismisses him. “Now that’s bravery!” exclaims the general.

“Bravery, nothing,” snorts the Army general. “Get over here, private!”

“YES SIR!!” replies the private.

“Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first.”

“YES SIR!!” replies the private, and completes the task.

“Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!”

They look to the Marine. “Private,” the Marine Corps General commands.

“YES SIR!!”

“Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing ‘The Halls of Montezuma’, put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst.”

The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, “TO HELL WITH YOU SIR!!”

The general turns to the others and says, “Now THAT’S bravery!”

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meet with President Bush

An old man wearing a VFW hat walked up to the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine replied, “Sir, President Bush is no longer in office. He doesn’t live here anymore.”

The old man said, “Okay,” and walked away.

The following day, the very same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine once again told the veteran, respectfully, “Sir, as I said yesterday, President Bush is no longer in office and doesn’t live here anymore.”

The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to President Bush. I’ve told you already that he is no longer in office. He’s never coming back. Don’t you understand?”

The old veteran answered him, “Oh, I understand perfectly. It just makes me so happy to hear it ” he didn’t attend the funeral of a single Marine killed in Iraq or Afghanistan, you know.”

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “Sir, see you tomorrow, sir!”

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Executive Closure of Gitmo

President Barack Obama signed an executive order calling for the closure of Gitmo within a year.

Know how he can make sure it closes even faster? Make it a bank.

– Jay Leno
DeadDog » DeadDog Archive » Executive Order

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