Tiki Humor

What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?

“Give me my quarterback!”

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Dumbest kid in the world!

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!“

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wipe with a dollar

I ran out of toilet paper the other day, and luckily I had my cellphone and called the wife. She told me to just wipe with a dollar, which luckily I had in my pants pocket. When she walked in the door I had shit all over me. She asked me what the hell happened, and I replied “You try and do better with 3 quarters, two dimes and a nickel.”

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Dad’s funeral

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, “Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill.”

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.

“Well,” said the other brother, “you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo.”

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Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with the hot girl at work, but she had a boyfriend

Eddie got so desperate that he went to her and said, “I will give you $1000 if you let me have sex with you.” The girl looked at him shocked and said, “Hell no!” He said, “I’ll be real quick; I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend over to get it, and I’ll be finished by the time you’ve picked it up!”

She thought for a moment and told him that she had to ask her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, “Ask the guy for $2000. Pick up the money really really fast, and he won’t even have time to get his pants down!” She agreed and accepts the proposal. 2 hours go by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend to call back.

Finally after another fifteen minutes he calls and asks, “What the hell happened?!” Heavily panting, she managed to reply, “It’s all in quarters!”

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The Trouble With Father

“The trouble with father,” said the gilded youth, “is that he has no idea of the value of money.”

“You don’t mean to imply that he is a spendthrift?”

“Not at all. But he puts his money away and doesn’t appear to have any appreciation of all the things he might buy with it.”

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Street Mugging Opportunist

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. “Here’s that $20 I owe you,” he says.

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Game over. Geek wins.

 

Michael Jordan having retired, with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.

* If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
* If he goes to see a movie, it’ll cost him $7.00, but he’ll make $18,550 while he’s there.
* If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it.
* He makes $7,415/hour more than minimum wage.
* If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
* If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $200 every second.
* He’ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
* He’ll make about $19.60 while watching the 100-meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
* This year, he’ll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn’t it?

However

If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 500 years, he’ll still have less than Bill Gates has at this very moment.

Game over. Geek wins.

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