Tiki Humor

What do you call the hair between grandma’s breasts?

Her pussy.

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Claude, the hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.  

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: “I’m here to put you into a  trance,  I  intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience”.The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

“I want  you each to keep your eye on this antique  watch.   It’s a  very special watch. It’s been in my family for six  generations.”

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly  chanting,  “Watch  the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. .  ..”

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.  Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until,  suddenly, it  slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

“SHIT!”  said the Hypnotist.

It took  three days to clean up the Senior Center .   Claude was never invited back to entertain.

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Disgusting

I was going through my grandmothers bedside table when I found the most horrible thing I’ve ever seen. A dildo. It was big and blue and disgusting.

And it tasted funny too.

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Grandma still drives

Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a ‘Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ‘For the love of God!’

‘Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!’

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

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Sportsman’s double

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.She looked OK for a 61 year-old.

In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a cuddle and then she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double.

‘What’s that?’ I asked.It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said.

I said, ‘No,’ – excitedly.We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was ‘my lucky night’.

I went back to her place.She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ‘Mum, you still awake?’

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elderly woman drivers

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car — both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection.

The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”

Mildred turned to her and said “Oh, am I driving?”

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Old Maids

One night, a policeman was busy making the rounds in his small town. Around midnight he spotted two old maids sitting in a car in a used car lot.

The policeman approached the car and asked the ladies, “Excuse me, but why are you sitting in a car on this used car lot after business hours? Are you trying to steal this car?”

“Good heavens, no!” one of the ladies said, “I just bought this car today, officer.”

“Have you come back tonight to drive your car home?” the policeman asked.

“Not at all,” the woman replies, “I don’t have a driver’s license.”

“Then why did you buy this car?”

“Well, we were told by our friends that if we bought a car from this used car lot, that we’d get screwed. Now we’re just waiting here for our screwing, and we’re not leaving until we get it!”

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