Tiki Humor

Claude, the hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.  

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: “I’m here to put you into a  trance,  I  intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience”.The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

“I want  you each to keep your eye on this antique  watch.   It’s a  very special watch. It’s been in my family for six  generations.”

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly  chanting,  “Watch  the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. .  ..”

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.  Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until,  suddenly, it  slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

“SHIT!”  said the Hypnotist.

It took  three days to clean up the Senior Center .   Claude was never invited back to entertain.

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Ear infection

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor’s office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what’s wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There’s nothing worse than a Doctor’s Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, ‘Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’

‘There’s something wrong with my dick’, he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, ‘You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ‘

‘Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ he said.

The Receptionist replied; ‘Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.’

The man replied, ‘You shouldn’t ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes??’

‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. ‘And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?’

‘I can’t piss out of it,’ he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter…

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Wrong Way Herman

As a 100 year old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on I-280. Please be careful!”

“Hell,” said Herman, “it’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

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Sleepwalking Newly Wed

“I know I’m old, but I’m crazy about you,” stated Mr. Moneybags. “When I go I’ll leave all my fortune to you if you’ll have me.”

“Have you any bad habits?” asked Miss Goldielocks, thoughtfully.

“Only that I walk in my sleep, if you could call that a bad habit.”

“You dear old thing. Of course I’ll marry you. And we’ll have our honeymoon on the top floor of some tall hotel, won’t we?”

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