Tiki Humor

Meanwhile, when I was much younger…

I remember the time, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parent’s home. I had scraped together enough money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu: Shrimp Cocktail, 3 lb Lobster, even Champagne. I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?” “No,” she replied, “but Mom’s not expecting a blow job tonight.”

I said, “Would you care for dessert?”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

My first hooker…

A few years ago when I first got divorced, I decided to go to Vegas, and wanted to have some fun. I went to a casino, went to the bar, and bought a drink before I did anything when I am approached by a beautiful woman. She asked me if I liked to have fun and I said yes, she then told me she would give me a hand job for 500 dollars and I laughed and said “500 Dollars!? Why that much?” She then whipped out her cell phone and showed me a picture of a Lamborghini “You see this car? I paid for it by selling hand jobs.” So I shrugged and said “What the hell, I need to live a little, I’ll do it” so we go back to my hotel and she gives me the best hand job I ever had.

She leaves and I pass out. The next night I go back to the same casino bar, and sure enough she’s there again and I decide I wanted some more. I walk up to her and say “You were amazing last night, how much would it cost for a blow job?” She then smiles and says “1 grand.” Again I’m a little bit set back by the price and I said “A grand? Is it that good?” She then whips out her phone and shows me a picture of a HUGE, luxurious house. She then says “See this house? I paid for it with blowjobs” so I said “Alright let’s do it” so this time we go into her car and she decides to blow me in the parking lot, and its the best blowjob I ever had.

We sit there and I’m blown away by this woman, so I ask her, “how much would it cost for some pussy?” She then laughs and points to the casino. “You see that casino?” I said “…yeah?” She says “If I had a pussy, I would own that casino.”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

$400 a fuck

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, “What are you doing?”

She answers, “I’m moving to Nevada. I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I’m doing for YOU for FREE!”

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he’s going.

He replies, “I’m coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year.”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

I knew she liked Bukkake…

I knew she liked Bukkake – I could see it in her eyes.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

So a man orders a dozen margaritas…

A man walks into a bar and immediately orders a dozen margaritas.

The bartender says, "Wow, what’s the special occasion?"

The man looks up at the bartender and says, "First blowjob."

The bartender says, "Ah, I remember my first blowjob. How ’bout an extra margarita on the house?"

The man replied, “No thanks, if 12 doesn’t get the taste out, nothing will.”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

What’s the worst part about eating a vegetable?

Putting her back in the wheelchair.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

Twice Married

Two newlyweds go on their honeymoon. As they start getting hot and heavy, the woman says, “Please be careful with me—I’m a virgin.”

The puzzled man replies, “But you’ve been married three times before.”

“I know,” she says. “But my first husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and he just wanted to look at it. And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was… God, I miss him.”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with , ,

Coma Sex

A husband and wife get in a car accident. Husband’s okay other than some scrapes and bruises, but wife falls into a coma. For weeks the husband sits by her side in the hospital. One night, though he feels bad about it, he starts getting horny. He reaches over, slides his hand under her gown, runs his hand slowly up her thigh, but pulls it back suddenly when he notices the beeping heart monitor pick up pace.

The next day he takes the doctor aside and tells him. “Interesting,” the doctor says, “She’s responding. Maybe try more tonight? Maybe oral sex?” The husband still thinks it’s a little wrong, but agrees to try it.

That night, a Code Blue rings out in the halls. Nurses rush in to revive the flatlining wife. The husband stands outside, stunned, when the doctor pulls him aside and asks “What happened? Did you try the oral sex?”

“Yes,” says the husband, blankly.

“Well, what happened?” the doctor asks.

The husband answers, “Well, she just started choking.”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (1 votes, average: 3.00 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with

Japanese Whales

Two whales are swimming about the ocean, suddenly one of them spots a Japanese whaling ship.

“There are those bastards that killed my mother” The whale says. “let’s get them!”

“How are we going to do that?” says the other whale.

“Easy, we both swim underneath them, position our blow holes beneath their stern, take a deep breath and our water spouts will capsize them”.

So off go both the whales to enact their plan, and a few minutes later the ship has capsized and all the sailors are floating about in the ocean.

“That was great!”, says the first whale really excited, “let’s go over there and eat the sailors!”

“absolutely not!” says the second whale, “I don’t mind giving them a blow job but I’m definitely not swallowing the seamen”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (2 votes, average: 4.00 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with

blowing chunks for 15 minutes

Three girls go out one night and get really wasted. At the end of the night they part ways and promise to meet the next morning for a big greasy breakfast.

The next morning all three girls show up looking much the worse for
wear and begin to retell there various adventures in heading home.

“When I walked through the front door” the first girl starts “I made it about three steps before lying down and blowing chunks for about 15 mins”.

The other girls agreed that yes, that was pretty bad.

Then the second girl claimed she could top that. “When I was leaving I thought it would be a good idea to drive my car home, and I subsequently wrapped it round a tree and wrote it off. I’m lucky to be here.”

The other two were shocked.

Thinking she could top even that the third girl piped up,“well, when I got home I put the stove on to make some eggs and passed out, forgetting about them and burnt out half my kitchen.”

There was a stunned silence until the first girl coughed and said :

“I don’t think you guys understand, Chunks is the name of my dog”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (3 votes, average: 3.00 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

Superior Blowjob

A man feels lonely one night, so he calls an escort service. When the girl arrives, she’s the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen. He asks her for a blowjob. She smiles. “All right baby, I give the best blowjobs in the country. There’s just one thing: I can only do it in the dark.” The man gets pretty excited. He sits down on his armchair and turns off the lamp next to him, plunging the room into darkness. He hears some fumbling, and pretty soon shes going at it. She’s right; it’s the best blowjob in the country.

The next day he calls her again and asks her to come over. He sits back in his armchair and turns off the lamp. It’s better than the first time. He can’t believe how good it is. He wonders how the hell she’s doing it. So the next day he calls her again, determined to find out her technique. When she’s blowing him for the third time in darkness, he reaches his hand out to turn on his lamp, but knocks a small round object off the table. He turns on the lamp to find a glass eye on the floor.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (3 votes, average: 2.00 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

cab driver revenge

A man is in Las Vegas and losing his ass. He cannot win anything, and before he knows it, he has absolutely no money left. The only thing he does have is his plane ticket home, but he has no way to the airport.

He walks out of the casino and sees a solitary cab with the cabby leaning against it. He walks over and asks the driver if there’s any way he could just take him to the airport. He swears that he will wire the cabby the money the moment he gets home, but the cabby is a total dick.

“You know how many fucking losers I deal with everyday that give me that bullshit story? Fuck you ya piece of shit. Get away from me before I call the cops”, the shithead cabby says.

Well, the guy walks half way to the airport, finally thumbs a ride, and gets home.

He has an outstanding year in business and makes a killing in the market.

Almost a year to the day, he goes back to the same casino where he previously lost his ass, but this time he kills. He cannot lose. Blackjack, slots, you name it, and he’s kickin’ it’s ass.

When it’s finally time to go, he walks out of the casino and sees a line of about 5 cabs. As he looks down the row, he sees that same asshole that gave him such a hard time the previous year, leaning against his cab at the end of the cab line.

He goes up to the nearest cabby and says, “How much for a ride to the airport?”

The cabby says $10.

The guy says, “OK. How about I give you an extra $2 and you suck my cock?”

The cabby nearly hits him, and tells him to get the hell out of there before he calls the cops.

So the guy goes to the next cab and the next cab, and so on, asking the same thing, “How much for a ride to the airport…how about I give you an extra $2 to suck my dick?”, and each time he gets told to go away.

Finally, the guy comes to the shithead cab driver from last year, and says, “How much for a ride to the airport?”, to which the cabby says $10.

So without another word, the guy hops in the cab.

As the cab is pulling past the other cab drivers, the guy holds up 2 $1 bills against the side window, smiles and gives the other cab drivers the thumbs up.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (3 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

Head & Shoulders

A blonde is standing in an elevator with a few other people when a man wearing a black suit steps on. It’s evident that the man has dandruff problems, because it can be seen on the shoulders of his suit.

Two floors later the man gets off, and after door closes someone says, “Someone should really give that guy some Head & Shoulders.”

The blonde then responds, “Yeah… Hey, how do you give shoulders?”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

A man walks into a bar and sits down and order 4 shots of whiskey

A man walks into a bar and sits down and order 4 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks the fellow, “what’s the occasion?”

The guy says, “my first blowjob.”

The bartender says, “Well now, that sure is worth celebrating. Hell, I`ll buy you another shot. It’s on me!”

The man says, “No thanks. If 4 shots don’t get rid of the taste…”

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (3 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

Blonde Phone Call

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300 she exclaimed, I don’t have that kind of money!! But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!

The man arched an eyebrow. Anything? Yes, anything the blonde promised.

With that, the man said, Follow me

He walked into the next room and ordered, Come in and close the door She did.

He then said, Get on your knees She did.

Then he said, Take down my zipper She did.

He said, Go ahead take it out She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands.

The man closed his eyes and whispered, Well go ahead!

The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly HELLO MOM, can you hear me???

 

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (5 votes, average: 4.20 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

Oral Coma Cure

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. The doctors were at a loss so they decided to try one last quasi-medical trick.

They went to her husband and said, As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma. The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they’d close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife’s room.

After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flatlined ”no pulse, no heart rate.

The doctors ran back into the room. What happened!? they cried. The husband said, I’m not sure ”I think maybe she choked.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (3 votes, average: 4.67 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

Second Place Sucks

A small company teeters on the edge of bankruptcy and so the owner summons his two-man sales force into his office.

Things aren’t going too well, guys,  he announced grimly. So to perk up sales I’m announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job.

What does the loser get?  asked one of the salesmen.

The owner looked at both men and said, The loser gets to give it.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (9 votes, average: 4.89 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with ,

Cure For Balding

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he’d come across was, er, female juices. But you’re balder than I am,  protested the customer. True,  admitted the barber, but you’ve gotta admit I’ve got one hell of a mustache!

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (9 votes, average: 4.00 out of 5)
Loading...

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with