Tiki Humor

GOOD: Wexford: Police Traffic Corps had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but weren’t getting many. Then they discovered the problem – a
12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read ‘SPEED TRAP AHEAD’. The police also found the boy had an accomplice
who was down the road with a sign reading ‘TIPS’ and a bucket full of money.

BETTER: A motorist was mailed a photo of his car speeding through an automated speed check on the N4. A €80 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police a photo of €80. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST: A Young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Traffic Corps policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, ‘I
bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Police Traffic Department Ball.’
He
replied, ‘The Police Traffic Department don’t have balls…..’

There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver’s license?

Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?

Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Who’s car is this?

Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?

Driver: Yeah, and I’ll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!

A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. She tells the man,
“Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you.”The drunk replies, “Tits.”
– Wed Feb 4 « Lefturn’s Funny Shit

One night, a policeman was busy making the rounds in his small town. Around midnight he spotted two old maids sitting in a car in a used car lot.
The policeman approached the car and asked the ladies, “Excuse me, but why are you sitting in a car on this used car lot after business hours? Are you trying to steal this car?”
“Good heavens, no!” one of the ladies said, “I just bought this car today, officer.”
“Have you come back tonight to drive your car home?” the policeman asked.
“Not at all,” the woman replies, “I don’t have a driver’s license.”
“Then why did you buy this car?”
“Well, we were told by our friends that if we bought a car from this used car lot, that we’d get screwed. Now we’re just waiting here for our screwing, and we’re not leaving until we get it!”