Tiki Humor

Donald Trump – “I’m not orange!”

“Impeach.”

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Scientists removed the right half brain of a man…

…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, “two, four, six, eight, ten.”

Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, “one, three, five, seven, nine.”

The scientists then removed both halves of the man’s brain, and asked him again to count to ten.

The man said, “look, we’re gonna count to ten. We’re gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can’t count to one-believe me, I’ve counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn’t count to ten. Well, I’m beating all of those people in the polls. We’re gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!”

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The difference between the left and right…

You didn’t get mad when the Supreme Court stopped a legal recount and appointed a President.

You didn’t get mad when Cheney allowed Energy company officials to dictate energy policy. You didn’t get mad when a covert CIA operative got outed.

You didn’t get mad when the Patriot Act got passed taking away LIBERTY from Americans.

You didn’t get mad when we illegally invaded a country that posed no threat to us.

You didn’t get mad when we spent over 600 billion and counting on said illegal war.

You didn’t get mad when over 10 billion dollars just disappeared in Iraq.

You didn’t get mad when you found out we were torturing people.

You didn’t get mad when the government was illegally wiretapping Americans.

You didn’t get mad when we didn’t catch Bin Laden.

You didn’t get mad when you saw the horrible conditions at Walter Reed.

You didn’t get mad when we let a major US city, New Orleans, drown.

You didn’t get mad when we gave a 900 billion tax break to the rich.

You didn’t get mad when the deficit hit the trillion dollar mark.

You finally got mad when the government decided that people in America deserved the right to see a doctor if they are sick. Yes, illegal wars, lies, corruption, torture, stealing your tax dollars to make the rich richer, are all okay with you, but helping other Americans…oh hell no.

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A Teabagger, Union Member and a CEO are sitting at a table with a dozen cookies…

…the CEO immediately takes 11 cookies for himself. The CEO then turns to the teabagger and says, “Watch out for that union guy he wants part of your cookie.”

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Presidents to OZ

Four U.S. presidents are caught in a tornado that hits a state funeral they’re all attending and are whirled off to Oz. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

“What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?”

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: “I’ve come for some courage.” “No problem!” says the Wizard. “Who is next?”

Ronald Reagan steps forward, “Well…I…I think I need a heart.” “Done,” says the Wizard. “Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?”

Up steps George W. Bush, who says, “I’m told by the American people that I need a brain.” “Not a problem!” says the Wizard. “Consider it done.”

There is a great silence in the hall.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn’t say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “What do you want?” “Ummm,” he says quietly, “is Dorothy around?”

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Presidential book dodge

“Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you’re trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you’re one president too late.” –David Letterman

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A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance…

“Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the guy.

“Well, I’d like to but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,” says the senator.

“I'm sorry but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening attire. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

“Now it’s time to visit Heaven.”

So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well then, you’ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers, “Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck. “I don’t understand,” stammers the senator.”Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning! Today you voted for us! The election is over.”

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A day in the life of Obama (as envisioned by a typical Republican)

6:30 AM: Obama awakened by clock radio tuned to NPR’s popular morning drive-time show, Kronsky the Bomb Thrower and His Anarcho-Syndicalist Zoo. “You know what would be fun?” Kronsky quips. “Getting the workers to seize the means of production and execute the blood-sucking capitalist bosses!”

“If only,” mutters Obama.

7:30 AM: on way to Oval Office, Obama ducks into private chapel, slipping off shoes and prostrating self while facing Mecca. He chants high-pitched, ululating prayer to Allah in foreign tongue then before leaving, bows before busts of Marx, Lenin, Stalin, Mao, Hitler and Saul Alinsky.

7:40 AM: Rahm Emanuel enters Oval Office, gives Obama secret Illuminati handshake, says, “Good morning, Comrade President. The Iranian ambassador is here to discuss his scheme to undermine America’s security.” Obama says, “Show him right in.”

9:05 AM: Snack of sweetened camel milk served with dates, figs, pita and hummus. Then Iranian ambassador exits White House through secret tunnel so Fox News won’t see him.

9:30 AM: House Speaker Pelosi arrives to plot strategy for government takeover of lucrative garbage-collection industry. Obama gives her large suitcase full of cash for bribing Congressmen.

10 AM: Editors of New York Times, Washington Post, New Yorker arrive to receive weekly instructions.

11 AM: Daily intelligence briefing by CIA and Pentagon officials on activities of America’s enemies. Bored, Obama does crossword puzzle, then dozes off.

Noon: Lunch with leaders of world gay conspiracy, who lobby Obama to appoint a transsexual to Supreme Court.

2 PM: Quiet ceremony in Rose Garden, where elders of Kikuyu tribe give Obama plaque honoring him as first Kenyan to become President of U.S.

3 PM: Latte with key advisers Al Gore, Michael Moore, Rev. Wright, Keith Olbermann, Rachel Maddow, Al Sharpton, Bill Ayers.

4 PM: Basketball with White House staffers. Obama’s side allowed to win, as usual.

7 PM: Dinner with family, leaders of Acorn.

9 PM: Obama reads a chapter from Das Kapital for Kids to Sasha, Malia.

10 PM: In private quarters, Obama, Michelle are so moved watching PBS documentary on suffering of poor widows and children
of al Qaeda suicide bombers, they decide to make contribution.

11 PM: Bong hits, anal sex, then sleep.

2:25 AM: Succubus enters bedroom, mounts sleeping President and has her way with him while whispering demonic instructions
for next day.

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At the bar…

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, “Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, it doesn’t matter to me. I just love it.”

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, “No kidding. I’m in Congress too. What state are you from?”

via At the bar… « Bits and Pieces.

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so a democrat break his foot…

“A member of the House Democratic Caucus goes to the doctor.

The doctor says, “I have bad news and good news. The bad news is you have a broken foot. The good news is, you’re a congressman, which means you have health insurance, which means you’ll be able to get treatment without going totally bankrupt, unlike many of your constituents, who you are actively betraying by thinking only of your electoral prospects. And also,” the doctor continued, “I can’t believe you actually broke your foot by jumping off a bridge just because a Republican told you to. What kind of spineless loser are you? Get out of my office. I can’t stand to look at you.”

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We’re in trouble

The Population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 20 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city governments

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

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Congress Embraces Internet Technology In Campaign Finance Reform

Priceline.com‘s stock soared and eBay created an entire new section on their online auction site to accommodate the US Congress’ overhaul of campaign financial law.

Senator John McCain, in a speech from Capitol Hill, praised his fellow Senators’s choice to “name your own price” for Congressional influence. “This is significant legislation that will turn around a stagnant economy by pouring millions into politicians’ pockets.”

In the new law, private citizens will be able to log onto Priceline.com and “name their own price” to influence a member of the House. Citizens wishing to purchase a Senator need to logon to Ebay.

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How to be a Good Republican

# You have to believe that 8 years of national prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush but that, yesterday’s gas prices is all Clinton’s fault.

# You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

# You have to be against government programs, but expect Social Security checks on-time.

# You have to believe that government should stay out of people’s lives, except to regulate opposite-gender marriages, what your official language should be, and what form of birth control, if any, you should use.

# You have to believe that pollution is ok, as long as it makes a profit.

# You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don’t pray to Allah or Buddha.

# You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.

# You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body but that large multinational corporations should have no regulation or interference whatsoever.

# You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.

# You have to believe that society is colorblind and, growing up black in America doesn’t diminish your opportunities, but you still won’t vote for Alan Keyes.

# You have to believe that it was wise to allow Ken Starr to spend $50 million dollars to attack Clinton because no other U.S. presidents have ever been unfaithful to their wives.

# You have to believe that a waiting period for purchasing a handgun is bad because quick access to a new firearm is an important concern for all Americans.

# You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know, if teenagers don’t have condoms, they won’t have sex.

# You have to believe that the ACLU is bad because they defend the Constitution, while the NRA is good because they defend the Constitution.

# You have to believe that socialism hasn’t worked anywhere, and that Europe doesn’t exist.

# You have to believe that the AIDS virus is not important enough to deserve federal funding proportionate to the resulting death rate and that the public doesn’t need to be educated about it, because if we just ignore it, it will go away.

# You have to believe that biology teachers are corrupting the morals of 6th graders if they teach them the basics of human sexuality, but the Bible, which is full of sex and violence, is good reading.

# You have to believe that Chinese communist missiles have killed more Americans than handguns, alcohol, and tobacco.

# You have to believe that even though governments have supported the arts for 5000 years and that, most of the great works of Renaissance art were paid for by governments, our government should shun any such support. After all, the rich can afford to buy their own and the poor don’t need any.

# You have to believe that the lumber from the last one percent of old growth U.S. forests is well worth the destruction of those forests andthe extinction of the several species of plants and animals therein.

# You have to believe that we should forgive and pray for Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde, and Bob Livingston for their marital infidelities, but Clinton should have been impeached.

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I am a conservative!

This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the US department of energy. I then took a shower in the clean water provided by the municipal water utility. After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC regulated channels to see what the national weather service of the national oceanographic and atmospheric administration determined the weather was going to be like using satellites designed, built, and launched by the national aeronautics and space administration. I watched this while eating my breakfast of US department of agriculture inspected food and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the food and drug administration.At the appropriate time as regulated by the US congress and kept accurate by the national institute of standards and technology and the US naval observatory, I get into my national highway traffic safety administration approved automobile and set out to work on the roads build by the local, state, and federal departments of transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the environmental protection agency, using legal tender issued by the federal reserve bank. On the way out the door I deposit any mail I have to be sent out via the US postal service and drop the kids off at the public school.After spending another day not being maimed or killed at work thanks to the workplace regulations imposed by the department of labor and the occupational safety and health administration, enjoying another two meals which again do not kill me because of the USDA, I drive my NHTSA car back home on the DOT roads, to my house which has not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and fire marshal's inspection, and which has not been plundered of all its valuables thanks to the local police department.I then log on to the internet which was developed by the defense advanced research projects administration and post on freerepublic.com and fox news forums about how SOCIALISM in medicine is BAD because the government can't do anything right.

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George W. Bush Statue

Dear Sir:

We have the distinction of being members of a committee to raise $200,000,000 to be used for placing a statue of George W. Bush in the Hall of Fame in Washington, D.C.

The committee was in a quandary about selecting the proper location for the statue. It was thought unwise to place it beside that of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside that of Richard Nixon, who never told the truth, since George W. Bush could never tell the difference.

After careful consideration, we think it should be placed next to the statue of Christopher Columbus, the greatest Republican of them all, in that he started out not
knowing where he was going, and in arriving did not know where he was, and in returning did not know where he had been ” and managed to do it all on borrowed money.

The inscription on the statue will read: “I pledge allegiance to George W. Bush and to the national debt for which he stands, one man, expendible, with graft and corruption for all.”

Five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, “Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land.” Nearly five thousand years later, Ronald Reagan said, “Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land.” Now George W. Bush has stolen the shovels, kicked our asses, raised the price of Camels, and laid waste to the Promised Land.

If you are one of the few who has any money left over after paying off Bush’s huge national debt, we will expect a generous contribution from you toward this noteworthy project.

Yours sincerely,

National Committee on the Bush Bust

P.S. It is said that Michael Steele is considering changing the Republican party emblem from an elephant to a condom because it stands for inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while one is getting screwed!

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General Cosgrove Quote

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and
shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the
rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?

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stimulus package

Did you realize that President Obama probably signed his stimulus package at the same desk where President Clinton got his package stimulated?

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Vice Presidential Handlers Lure Cheney Into Traveling Crate

“He’s a smart one. Once he sees the crate, he gets pretty nippy, but we’ve learned a few tricks over the years,” chief VP wrangler Ted Irving breathlessly said while applying pressure to a deep gash on his forearm. “If we break a rabbit’s legs and throw it in there, he will eventually go in to finish it off. Doesn’t work with dead rabbits, though. Cheney only eats what he kills.”
Vice Presidential Handlers Lure Cheney Into Traveling Crate | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

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Bailout

The Adult Entertainment Industry is asking the government for a $5 billion bailout.

A lot of people are against this. They’re afraid if they give the porn industry a bailout, they’ll just blow it.

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Bush apologizing for the “Mission Accomplished” banner

John Oliver on The Bugle: Bush apologizing for the “Mission Accomplished” banner is like apologizing
for spelling someone’s name wrong on a birthday cake you made them out of shit.

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International Incident

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red-light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams: No!  and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it’s not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob. Ther sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams: NO WAY, BUDDY!  and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

The madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn’t done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she’s sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Bob and says that she’s the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink, and then she sits in his lap.

Bob leans forwards and whispers in her ear: Can I pay in Canadian currency?

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Louisiana Election

Voters in Louisiana, on Saturday, kicked out of office Democratic Senator William Jefferson who was indicted last year for having $90,000 in bribe money, in cash, in his freezer.

How ironic is that? The only politician in Washington who actually saved some money make him treasury secretary.

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black pepper works!

Ever since the DHS (department of homeland security -ed) has been setup, there are no terror attacks on the USA. So, obviously what the DHS is doing prevents terrorism.

Is is the same up here in Canada. We sprinkle black pepper on our lawns to prevent elephants from messing then up.

But there are no elephants in Canada you say? See, more proof that the black pepper works …
A Peek At DHS’s Files On You

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Barackberry

 

After lots of discussions with the Secret Service, President Obama will be allowed to keep his Blackberry. It’s a special Blackberry built just for him; they are calling it a Barackberry.

It doesn’t even have a battery  it runs entirely on hope.

– Jay Leno

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Executive Closure of Gitmo

President Barack Obama signed an executive order calling for the closure of Gitmo within a year.

Know how he can make sure it closes even faster? Make it a bank.

– Jay Leno
DeadDog » DeadDog Archive » Executive Order

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