Tiki Humor

Presidential book dodge

“Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you’re trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you’re one president too late.” –David Letterman

Posted by Adam Selvidge

October 14th, 2010 at 8:16 am

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At the bar…

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, “Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, it doesn’t matter to me. I just love it.”

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, “No kidding. I’m in Congress too. What state are you from?”

via At the bar… « Bits and Pieces.

Posted by Adam Selvidge

May 14th, 2010 at 1:45 pm

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I am a conservative!

This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the US department of energy. I then took a shower in the clean water provided by the municipal water utility. After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC regulated channels to see what the national weather service of the national oceanographic and atmospheric administration determined the weather was going to be like using satellites designed, built, and launched by the national aeronautics and space administration. I watched this while eating my breakfast of US department of agriculture inspected food and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the food and drug administration.At the appropriate time as regulated by the US congress and kept accurate by the national institute of standards and technology and the US naval observatory, I get into my national highway traffic safety administration approved automobile and set out to work on the roads build by the local, state, and federal departments of transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the environmental protection agency, using legal tender issued by the federal reserve bank. On the way out the door I deposit any mail I have to be sent out via the US postal service and drop the kids off at the public school.After spending another day not being maimed or killed at work thanks to the workplace regulations imposed by the department of labor and the occupational safety and health administration, enjoying another two meals which again do not kill me because of the USDA, I drive my NHTSA car back home on the DOT roads, to my house which has not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and fire marshal's inspection, and which has not been plundered of all its valuables thanks to the local police department.I then log on to the internet which was developed by the defense advanced research projects administration and post on freerepublic.com and fox news forums about how SOCIALISM in medicine is BAD because the government can't do anything right.

Posted by Adam Selvidge

September 21st, 2009 at 3:10 pm

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George W. Bush Statue

Dear Sir:

We have the distinction of being members of a committee to raise $200,000,000 to be used for placing a statue of George W. Bush in the Hall of Fame in Washington, D.C.

The committee was in a quandary about selecting the proper location for the statue. It was thought unwise to place it beside that of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside that of Richard Nixon, who never told the truth, since George W. Bush could never tell the difference.

After careful consideration, we think it should be placed next to the statue of Christopher Columbus, the greatest Republican of them all, in that he started out not
knowing where he was going, and in arriving did not know where he was, and in returning did not know where he had been ” and managed to do it all on borrowed money.

The inscription on the statue will read: “I pledge allegiance to George W. Bush and to the national debt for which he stands, one man, expendible, with graft and corruption for all.”

Five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, “Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land.” Nearly five thousand years later, Ronald Reagan said, “Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land.” Now George W. Bush has stolen the shovels, kicked our asses, raised the price of Camels, and laid waste to the Promised Land.

If you are one of the few who has any money left over after paying off Bush’s huge national debt, we will expect a generous contribution from you toward this noteworthy project.

Yours sincerely,

National Committee on the Bush Bust

P.S. It is said that Michael Steele is considering changing the Republican party emblem from an elephant to a condom because it stands for inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while one is getting screwed!
snopes.com: The President’s Statue and the Promised Land

Posted by Adam Selvidge

May 12th, 2009 at 2:58 pm

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Vice Presidential Handlers Lure Cheney Into Traveling Crate

“He’s a smart one. Once he sees the crate, he gets pretty nippy, but we’ve learned a few tricks over the years,” chief VP wrangler Ted Irving breathlessly said while applying pressure to a deep gash on his forearm. “If we break a rabbit’s legs and throw it in there, he will eventually go in to finish it off. Doesn’t work with dead rabbits, though. Cheney only eats what he kills.”
Vice Presidential Handlers Lure Cheney Into Traveling Crate | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

Posted by Adam Selvidge

March 5th, 2009 at 8:25 pm

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Bailout

The Adult Entertainment Industry is asking the government for a $5 billion bailout.

A lot of people are against this. They’re afraid if they give the porn industry a bailout, they’ll just blow it.
DeadDog -» DeadDog Archive -» Bailout

Posted by Adam Selvidge

March 3rd, 2009 at 8:36 pm

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Louisiana Election

Voters in Louisiana, on Saturday, kicked out of office Democratic Senator William Jefferson who was indicted last year for having $90,000 in bribe money, in cash, in his freezer.

How ironic is that? The only politician in Washington who actually saved some money ¦Â make him treasury secretary.

Posted by Adam Selvidge

February 10th, 2009 at 8:26 pm

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black pepper works!

Ever since the DHS (department of homeland security -ed) has been setup, there are no terror attacks on the USA. So, obviously what the DHS is doing prevents terrorism.

Is is the same up here in Canada. We sprinkle black pepper on our lawns to prevent elephants from messing then up.

But there are no elephants in Canada you say? See, more proof that the black pepper works …
A Peek At DHS’s Files On You

Posted by Adam Selvidge

February 5th, 2009 at 8:27 pm

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Barackberry

After lots of discussions with the Secret Service, President Obama will be allowed to keep his Blackberry. It’s a special Blackberry built just for him; they are calling it a Barackberry.

It doesn’t even have a battery ¦ it runs entirely on hope.

– Jay Leno
DeadDog » DeadDog Archive » Barackberry

Posted by Adam Selvidge

February 3rd, 2009 at 2:19 pm

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Executive Closure of Gitmo

President Barack Obama signed an executive order calling for the closure of Gitmo within a year.

Know how he can make sure it closes even faster? Make it a bank.

– Jay Leno
DeadDog » DeadDog Archive » Executive Order

Posted by Adam Selvidge

January 26th, 2009 at 9:40 am

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