Tiki Humor

Two rednecks decide to go to college…

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decide to go to college. Bubba goes first, and he is advised to take maths, history and logic.

— “What’s logic?” says Bubba.

— “Well, let me give you an example,” says the professor. “Do you own a tractor?”

— “Sure do,” says Bubba.

— “Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a yard.”

— “That’s real good,” says Bubba, in awe.

— “Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a house. Is that right?”

— “Gawly!” says Bubba.

— “And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, the odds are that you have a wife. Right?”

— “Betty Mae! This is incredible!”

— “Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume you are heterosexual. Is that right?”

— “You are absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thang I ever heerd of. I can’t wait to take this here logic class!”

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, goes back into the hallway where Cooter is waiting.

— “So what classes are ya takin’?” says Cooter.

— “Maths, history and logic,” says Bubba.

— “What in tarnation is logic?”

— “Let me give you an example,” says Bubba. “Do you own a tractor?”

— “No.”

— “Then you’re gay.”

via reddit.

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Redneck pickup lines

1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

2) Are your parents retarded, ’cause you sure are special.

3) My Love for you is like diarrhea … I can’t hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card, ’cause I’d like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

6) If you and I were Squirrels, I’d store my nuts in your hole.

7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

8) Man – “Fat Penguin!”

Woman – “WHAT?”

Man – “I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.”

9) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.

10) I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

11) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

and…. the best for last!

13) Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

via Bits and Pieces.

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Police Road Block

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said “lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it’s a poll-ice roadblock!! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!!”

“Don’t worry, Bubba”, Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.”

“What fer?” asked Bubba.

“Just let me do the talkin’, OK?” said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, “You boys been drinkin’?”

“No, sir”, said Earl. “We’s on the patch!”

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Redneck Computing

You know you’re a good ol’ boy computer operator if…

* Most of the e-mail you receive comes from people who want to borrow your truck.

* You’re right proud of that Jack Daniels mouse pad that you keep on your desk.

* When your Mac is running a little slow, you try to fix it by squirtin’ it real good with some WD-40.

* You can’t understand why the spell checker on your word processing software doesn’t recognize the words “col’beer”, “hon”, and “frog-strangler”.

* One thing that bothers you is how hardly anyone who sends out e-mail has a handle. You get the itch to start a message with the words, “Hey, good buddy, you got your ears on?”

* You can’t figure out why Microsoft doesn’t have its own NASCAR team. I mean, if it’s good enough for Cheerios, Valvoline, and the Cartoon Network, it ought to be good enough for Bill Gates, right?

* Instead of “bytes”, you think of it as “horsepower”.

* You finally decided to buy a computer after the Gun and Knife Show went online.

* You have been thrown out of several chat rooms for cussing and trying to start an online fistfight.

* Your keyboard looks a little different than everyone else’s. Instead of an apple, your command button has an okra on it.

* Congratufreakin’lations – you hold the world record for most number of hits – on the World Wrestling Federation web page.

* The reason your printer is jammed is that you dropped your tobacco chew spit cup into the paper holder.

* Most of the e-mail you send starts with “I’ll tell you what,” “This ain’t no bull,” or “It’s got to where you cain’t…”

* Some guy asked you about your floppy, so naturally you decked him.

* You’re pretty sure computers would work better if Briggs & Stratton began marketing a model that cranks up with a pull rope.

* You think that every child should be linked up to the Internet for educational purposes. But you with there was more information about how to dynamite fish or build your own still.

* Your favorite search engine is Yahoo, because you run around screaming it during football games and wrestling matches anyway.

* The only reason you had your computer equipped with a CD-ROM was so you could listen to Merle Haggard.

* You figure computer science will have peaked when you can buy a 12-pack of Old Milwaukee online without leaving your doublewide.

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Your Jedi Knight Might Be a Redneck If…

* if he uses his light saber to cut the bottlecap off a beer

* if he says “these are not the beers you’re looking for”

* if that “Disturbance in the Force” was just last night’s baked beans and spare ribs

* if the inside of the house looks more like Dagobah than the outside

* if he calls his young apprentice, “Juner(JR)”

* if he ever uses telekinesis to pull his jeans up

* if the Force isn’t the only thing that runs in the family

* if he calls Hank Williams Jr. “Master”

* if his landspeeder has a gun rack

* if he meditiates to old CCR records

* if he calls Yoda his Li’l green buddy.

* if he has ever said, “Anger… fear…aggression… Yankees…the dark side are they.”

* if his X-Wing has a still in it

* if his light saber has a beer can crusher in the base

* if there is more oil on his robes than in his astromech droid

* if his robes have the Golden Flour label on them

* if he trim his beard and finds a Mynock

* if he has ever used a light saber to light the barbecue grill

* if he uses Jawas for a drink holder

* if he fights with a light saber in one hand and a spit cup in the other

* if he uses a Jedi mind trick to stop the beer truck

* if he uses his Jedi healing powers to clear up his VD

* if he thinks the best use of your light saber is picking his teeth

* if he ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because he had to spit.

* if his Jedi robe is Camouflage colored

* if at least one wing of his X-Wing is primer colored

* if he can easily describe the taste of an Ewok

* if he can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks

* if he think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets

* if he has ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling

* if his father ever said to him, “Shoot, son, come on over t’ the dark side…it’ll be a hoot.”

* if he’s ever had his R-2 unit use its arc welding torch to get the barbecue grill to light

* if he jump-starts his lightsaber off a car battery

* if he beat the Gamorrean Guard in an “Ugly” contest

* if his father’s name is Garth Vader

* if he got his light saber by sending in 750 Skoal Lids

* if he’s ever beaten up Han Solo for lookin at his sister

* if he constantly mistakes R2 units for beer kegs

* if he counts B. O. as a Jedi power

* if he’s ever used a light saber to skin a deer

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What’s the difference between a good ol’ boy and a redneck?

What’s the difference between a good ol’ boy and a redneck?

The good ol’ boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.

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