Tiki Humor

Where did Noah keep his bees?

In The Ark Hive

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Mary had baby Jesus.

Jesus was the Lamb of God.

Therefore, Mary had a little lamb.

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I’m dieting religiously.

I no longer eat in church.

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I go to the gym religiously.

About twice a year around the holidays.

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I accidentally drank some holy water with my laxative.

I’m about to start a religious movement.

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I happened to see one of my pals dressed as a priest

Apparently its his altar ego

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After the pro boxer retired, he became a successful exorcist.

He could beat the hell out of anyone!

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Why don’t churches have Wi-Fi?

They don’t want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

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Irish Three

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together.

So I drink one for each o’me brothers and one for me self.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints.

All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.” The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs.

“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn’t affected me brothers though.”

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A woman buys an expensive dress

A woman buys an expensive dress and her husband is angry how much money she spent. She says “The Devil made me do it.” He asks why she didn’t say “Get behind me Satan!” She responds “I did! And he told me it looked good from the back, too!”

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Why do ex-mormons always take two Mormons fishing?

If you take only one Mormon he drinks all your beer.

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What happens if you don’t keep up payments to your exorcist?

You get repossessed.

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Why was the nun hooked up to an IV of holy water?

She was taking god’s name in vein.

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I met a Muslim man who said he had the Qur’an on DVD…

The trouble started when I asked him to burn a copy for me.

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A guy goes in an Adult Store in Western Sydney and asks for an inflatable doll

A guy goes in an Adult Store in Western Sydney and asks for an inflatable doll.
The guy behind the counter says, “Male or female ?”
The customer says, “Female.”
The counter guy asks, “Black or white?”
The customer says, “White.”
The counter guy asks, “Christian or Muslim?”
The customer says, “What does religion have to do with it?”
The counter guy says, “The Muslim one blows itself up.”

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holy water

A group of nuns are lined up to confess to the priest.

The first nun says, “Father, I have sinned. I looked at a man naked.”

The priest says, “Put holy water on your eyes and say 10 hail Marys.”

The next nun comes up and says, “Father, I have sinned. I touched a naked man in a sexual manner.”

The priest says, “Was your hands in holy water and say 20 hail Marys.”

The third nun approaches the priest and is about to speak when is a clamoring from the back of the church. Another nun comes running in going, “WAIT!”

The priest says, “What’s wrong?!”

The nun replies, “I need to gargle the holy water before Nancy sticks her ass in it.”

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Grandma still drives

Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a ‘Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ‘For the love of God!’

‘Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!’

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

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A cabbie picks up a nun

She gets into the cab and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you”.

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have,you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes!, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.” The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”

“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied. I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

via BnP.

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A man dies and goes to Hell

A man dies and goes to Hell where he is greeted by the devil:

Devil: Hey, whatcha lookin so down for?

Man: If you died and went to Hell, you’d be feeling down too!

Devil: Hell ain’t what you think it is. It’s fun down here. Say, do you drink?

Man: Sure, I love to drink. Why?

Devil: Well, you”re gonna love Mondays then. Because on Mondays, all we do here is drink. Hell, we have whiskey, tiquila, rum, vodka, all the booze you wanna drink. We drink til we puke and then we drink some more.

Man: Ah, that sounds great.

Devil: Do you smoke?

Man: Damn right I do.

Devil: Cool! You”re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world. Smoke all you want. You don”t have to worry about getting cancer because you”re already dead anyways, haha.

Man: No shit!

Devil: You like gambling?

Man: Hell yeah!

Devil: Great! On Wednesdays, we have gambling night here in Hell. We have slot machines, roulette, craps, black jack, hold-em, a dog track, horse racing, you name it we got it and we just recently opened up a new pai gow poker table.

Man: Hmmmmmmmmmmm, I never played pai gow poker before.

Devil: Now you can. You like to get stoned?

Man: I love getting stoned! You mean…

Devil: That”s right man, because on Thursdays, it’s stoner night here in Hell! Help yourself to a huge bowl of crack, smoke a joint the size of a nuclear sub, do all the drugs you want and you don”t have to worry about overdosing because you”re already dead anyhow.

Man: Awesome! I never thought Hell was one swinging place!

Devil: Are you gay?

Man: Uh, no.

Devil: Oooh, you’re gonna hate Fridays!

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the golfing nun

A nun walked into Mother Superior’s office and plunked down into a chair. She let out a sigh heavy with frustration.

‘What troubles you, Sister?’ asked the Mother Superior. ‘I thought this was the day you spent with your family.’

‘It was,’ sighed the Sister. ‘And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.’

‘I seem to recall that,’ the Mother Superior agreed. ‘So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?’

‘Far from it,’ snorted the Sister. ‘In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!’

‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ‘You must tell me all about it!’

‘Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother-540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight !’

‘Oh my!’ commiserated the Mother. ‘How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!

”No, that wasn’t it,’ admitted Sister. ‘While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!’

‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!’ sympathized the Mother.

‘But I didn’t, Mother!’ sobbed the Sister. ‘And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!’

‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile.

‘Nope, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!’

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said… ’You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?’

via Bits and Pieces

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What’s the difference between a priest and pimple?

Q: What’s the difference between a priest and pimple?
A: Pimples don’t come on your face till you’re 13.

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God Will Save Me!

A city is experiencing a terrible flood. A man is sitting on his front porch watching the water rise and a jeep drives up. “Get in! Everything’s going to be underwater!” “No thanks. God will save me. An hour passes and the water Has risen in the house. A boat comes by. “Get in! You’re going to drown!” “No thanks. God will save me.” The water rises over the house. The man is now on the roof. A helicopter flies overhead. “We’ll lower a line. Grab it or you’ll die!” “No thanks. God will save me.” The man drowns. When he gets to Heaven and meets God he says, “God! Why didn’t you save me?!”

“I sent a jeep, a boat, and a helicopter. What more did you want?”

via Much of the Religious Right is becoming increasingly obsessed with a war on demons. In this worldview every obstacle from microphone static to cancer is a manifestation of an attack by the devil. : science.

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religious kids

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee..
The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest ; when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth Catholic man then says, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well……?” She proudly replies, “I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24″ waist and 34″ hips.

When she walks into a room, people say, “Oh My God.”

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Atheist Holiday

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY
In Florida, an atheist created a case against the Upcoming Easter and
Passover days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case
against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days. The
argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized
days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the
passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel
declaring,”Case dismissed!”

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the Ruling , “Your honor, how
can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas,
Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah,
yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..”

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, “But you do. Your client,
counsel, is woefully ignorant.”

The lawyer said, “Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance
or holiday for atheists.”

The judge said, “The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm
14:1 states, ‘The fool says in his heart, there is no God.’ Thus, it is
the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God,
then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day.. Court is
adjourned.

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Why Beer is Better than Religion

* No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

* Beer doesn’t tell you how to have sex.

* Beer has never caused a major war.

* They don’t force Beer on minors who can’t think for themselves.

* When you have a Beer, you don’t knock on people’s doors trying to give it away.

* Nobody’s ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.

* You don’t have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.

* There are laws saying Beer labels can’t lie to you.

* You can prove you have a Beer.

* If you’ve devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

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