Tiki Humor

Apparently, Middle fingers are obscene now? Is this all we have to be outraged about? I remember seeing the digital fuckup, but just attributed it to incompetence on the broadcaster, but apparently we can attribute it to moral outrage that someone moved their hand in a fashion that was obscene.

No one’s commenting on the fact that I stared at Madonna’s starred vagina for 20 minutes, and that she was spreading her legs like professional whore. I enjoyed it, and wish more women would do it, but seriously, all that and the country is having a shit fit over MIA’s middle finger? Thank god it wasn’t a boob or else the country may have exploded.

The finger in question, with the attempted censoring:

She gets into the cab and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you”.

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have,you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes!, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.” The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”

“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied. I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

via BnP.

A man dies and goes to Hell where he is greeted by the devil:

Devil: Hey, whatcha lookin so down for?

Man: If you died and went to Hell, you’d be feeling down too!

Devil: Hell ain’t what you think it is. It’s fun down here. Say, do you drink?

Man: Sure, I love to drink. Why?

Devil: Well, you”re gonna love Mondays then. Because on Mondays, all we do here is drink. Hell, we have whiskey, tiquila, rum, vodka, all the booze you wanna drink. We drink til we puke and then we drink some more.

Man: Ah, that sounds great.

Devil: Do you smoke?

Man: Damn right I do.

Devil: Cool! You”re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world. Smoke all you want. You don”t have to worry about getting cancer because you”re already dead anyways, haha.

Man: No shit!

Devil: You like gambling?

Man: Hell yeah!

Devil: Great! On Wednesdays, we have gambling night here in Hell. We have slot machines, roulette, craps, black jack, hold-em, a dog track, horse racing, you name it we got it and we just recently opened up a new pai gow poker table.

Man: Hmmmmmmmmmmm, I never played pai gow poker before.

Devil: Now you can. You like to get stoned?

Man: I love getting stoned! You mean…

Devil: That”s right man, because on Thursdays, it’s stoner night here in Hell! Help yourself to a huge bowl of crack, smoke a joint the size of a nuclear sub, do all the drugs you want and you don”t have to worry about overdosing because you”re already dead anyhow.

Man: Awesome! I never thought Hell was one swinging place!

Devil: Are you gay?

Man: Uh, no.

Devil: Oooh, you’re gonna hate Fridays!

A nun walked into Mother Superior’s office and plunked down into a chair. She let out a sigh heavy with frustration.

‘What troubles you, Sister?’ asked the Mother Superior. ‘I thought this was the day you spent with your family.’

‘It was,’ sighed the Sister. ‘And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.’

‘I seem to recall that,’ the Mother Superior agreed. ‘So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?’

‘Far from it,’ snorted the Sister. ‘In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!’

‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ‘You must tell me all about it!’

‘Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother-540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight !’

‘Oh my!’ commiserated the Mother. ‘How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!

”No, that wasn’t it,’ admitted Sister. ‘While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!’

‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!’ sympathized the Mother.

‘But I didn’t, Mother!’ sobbed the Sister. ‘And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!’

‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile.

‘Nope, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!’

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said… ’You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?’

via Bits and Pieces

Q: What’s the difference between a priest and pimple?
A: Pimples don’t come on your face till you’re 13.

A city is experiencing a terrible flood. A man is sitting on his front porch watching the water rise and a jeep drives up. “Get in! Everything’s going to be underwater!” “No thanks. God will save me. An hour passes and the water Has risen in the house. A boat comes by. “Get in! You’re going to drown!” “No thanks. God will save me.” The water rises over the house. The man is now on the roof. A helicopter flies overhead. “We’ll lower a line. Grab it or you’ll die!” “No thanks. God will save me.” The man drowns. When he gets to Heaven and meets God he says, “God! Why didn’t you save me?!”

“I sent a jeep, a boat, and a helicopter. What more did you want?”

via Much of the Religious Right is becoming increasingly obsessed with a war on demons. In this worldview every obstacle from microphone static to cancer is a manifestation of an attack by the devil. : science.

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on
the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was
tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, ‘THAT’S IT! I have had enough. I am going to
set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I
will judge who does the better job.’

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports .

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power
went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in
the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their
computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

‘It’s gone! It’s all GONE! ‘I lost everything when the power went out!’
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the
past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
‘Wait!’ he screamed. ‘That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all
his work and I don’t have any?’
God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES….

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, “OK, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”

The mother says, “It’s my daughter, Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and she’s sick most mornings.”

The doctor gives Darla a thorough examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant — about four months would be my guess.”

The mother says, “Pregnant?!? She can’t be. She has never even been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?”

Darla says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”

The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there, doctor?”

The doctor replies, “No, not really. It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it this time!”

A man is walking through the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to devour her right in front of the little girl’s screaming parents.

The man runs to the cage, hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the man returns her to her terrified parents.

A New York Times reporter has seen the whole scene and says to the rescuer. “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life,” he says.

“Why, it was nothing,” the man says. “Really, the lion was behind bars and I knew God would protect me just as He did Daniel in the lion’s den long, long ago. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt was right.”

“I noticed a bible in your pocket — are you a republican?” asked the journalist.

“Yes, and I’m a christian on my way to a bible study,” the man replies.

“Well, I’ll make sure this act won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist and tomorrow’s paper will have this on the front page,” he says before leaving.

The following morning the man buys a copy of the New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on first page:

“Right Wing Republican Christian Fundamentalist Assaults African Immigrant and Steals His Lunch.”