Tiki Humor

“Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding: “Do you know how fast you were going?” the police officer asks, incredulously.”

“Do you know how fast you were going?” the police officer asks, incredulously.

“No,” replies Heisenberg, “but I know exactly where I am!”

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How do scientists keep their breath fresh?

With experi-mints.

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Why was the math book sad?

Because it had too many problems.

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I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not

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Your helium addiction

Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.

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Why is Pavlov’s hair so soft?

Classic conditioning

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Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon…

Einstein is bored, so he suggests, “Let’s play hide-and-seek. I’ll be it!” The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. “One… Two… Three…” Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide, but Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a mid-sized square on the ground. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, “Ready or not, here I come!” Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him.

He says, “I found you, Newton!” Newton replies, “No, you found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal!”

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The Mathematician and the Waiter

A mathematician and his partner go to a restaurant one Sunday lunchtime. The waiter comes over and takes the mathematician’s order: –

‘I’d like one chicken breast, 10 roast potatoes, 100 baby carrots and 1,000 peas, please’ he requests.

‘Why sir!’ Exclaimed the waiter. ‘That’s an order of magnitude!’

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Did you hear about the guy who cooled himself down to Absolute Zero?

Did you hear about the guy who cooled himself down to Absolute Zero?

He’s 0K now.

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Renee Descartes walks into a bar

Renee Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, “The usual today, Renee?”

Descartes looks and him and responds, “I think not,” and POOF! He ceases to exist.

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How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

2, one to change the lightbulb and 1 to hold the cock…I mean father….I mean ladder.

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laws of gravity

“How did you find the weather in London?” asked the friend of the
returned traveler.

“You don’t have to find the weather in London,” replied the traveler.
“It bumps into you at every corner.”

An American and a Scotsman were discussing the cold experienced in
winter in the North of Scotland.

“Why, it’s nothing at all compared to the cold we have in the States,”
said the American. “I can recollect one winter when a sheep, jumping
from a hillock into a field, became suddenly frozen on the way, and
stuck in the air like a mass of ice.”

“But, man,” exclaimed the Scotsman, “the law of gravity wouldn’t allow
that.”

“I know that,” replied the tale-pitcher. “But the law of gravity was
frozen, too!”

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Diamonds will cut glass and more!

_The Professor:_ A diamond is the hardest known substance, inasmuch as
it will cut glass.

_The Cynic:_ Glass! My dear sir, a diamond will even make an impression
on a woman’s heart.

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