Tiki Humor

Bedroom Golf

THE RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF!

1. EACH PLAYER SHALL FURNISH HIS OWN EQUIPMENT FOR PLAY – NORMALLY ONE CLUB AND TWO BALLS.

2. PLAY ON A COURSE MUST BE APPROVED BY THE OWNER OF THE HOLE.

3. UNLIKE OUTDOOR GOLF, THE OBJECT IS TO GET EH CLUB IN THE HOLE AND KEEP THE BALLS OUT.

4. FOR THE MOST EFFECTIVE PLAY, THE BLUCH SHOULD HAVE A FIRM SHAFT. COURSE OWNERS ARE PERMITTED TO CHECK SHAFT STIFFNESS BEFORE PLAY BEGINS.

5. COURSE OWNERS RESERVE THE RIGHT TO RESTRICT CLUB LENGTH TO AVOID DAMAGE TO THE GOLE.

6. THE OBJECT OF THE GAME IS TO TAKE AS MANY STRIKE AS NECESSARY UNTIL THE COURSE OWNER IS SATISFIED THAT PLAY IS COMPLETE. FAILURE TO DO SO MAY RESLULT IN VBEING DENIED PERMISSION TO PLAY THE COURSE AGIAN.

7. IT IS CONSIDERED BAD FORM TO BEGIN PLAYING THE HOLE IMMEDIATLY UPON ARRIVAL AT THE COURSE. THE EXPERIENCED PLAYER WILL NORMALLY TAKE TIME TO ADMIRE THE ENTIRE COURSE WITH SPECIAL ATTENTION TO WELL FORMED BUNKERS.

8. PLAYERS ARE CAUTIONED NOT TO MENTION OTHER COURSES THEY HAVE PLAYED, OR ARE CURRENTLYU PLAYING, TO THE OWNER OF THE OURSE BEING PLAYED. UPSET COURSE OWNERS HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO DAMAGE PLAYER’S EQUIPMENT FOR THIS REASON.

9. PLAYERS ARE ENCOURAGED TO BRING PROPER RAIN GEAR FOR THEIR OWN PROTECTION.

10. PLAYERS SHOULD ENSURE THEMSELVED THAT EHIR MATCH HAS BEE PROPERLY SCHEDUALED, PARTICULARLY WHEN A NEW COURSE IS BEIGN PLAYED FO THE FIRST TIME. PREVIOUSE PLAYERS HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO BECOME IRATE IF THEY DISCOVER SOMEONE ELSE PLAYING ON WHAT THEY CONSIDERED TO BE A PRIVATE COURSE.

11. PALYERS SHOULD NOT ASSUME A COURSE IS IN SHAPE FOR PLAY AT ALL TIMES. SOME PLAYERS MAY BE EMBARRASSED IF THEY FIND THE COURSE TO BE TEMPORARILY UNDER REPAIR. PLAER ARE ADVISED TO BE EXTREMELY TACTUFUL IN THSI SITUATION. MORE ADVANCED PLAYERS WILL FIND ALTERNATIVE MEANS OF PLAY WHEN THIS IS THE CASE.

12. THE COURSE OWNER IS RESPONSIBLE FOR MANICURING AND PRUNING ANY BUCH AROUDN THE HOLE TO ALLOW FOR IMPROVED VIEWIN OF, ALIGNMENT WITH, AND APPROACH TO THE HOLE.

13. PLAYERS ARE ADVISED TO OBTAIN THE OURSE OWNERS PERMISSION BEFORE ATTEMPTING TO PLAY THE BACK NINE.

14. SLOW PLAY IS ENCOURSGED. HOWEVER, PLAYERS HSOULD BE PREPARE TO PROCEED AT A QUICKER PACE, AT LEAST TEMPORARILY, AT THE COURSE OWNER’S REQUEST.

15. IT IS CONSIDERED OUTSTANDING PERFORMANCE, TIME PERMITTING, TO PLAY THE SMAE HOLE SEVERAL TIMES IN ONE MATCH.

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.”

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, “It has to be your ears.”
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, “My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?”

Clearing his throat, he stammered, “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming…that was me.”

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Warm Suicide

A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.

A homeless man walks up to her.

She sees the man coming and says, “Go away! There’s nothing you can say to change my mind!”

He says, “Well, if you’re going to kill yourself anyway, why don’t we have sex? At least I’ll enjoy it.”

“Absolutely not! You’re disgusting!”, she replies. The man turns and starts walking away.

“Is that all you’re going to say? You’re not going to try to convince me that life is worth living? Where are you going?”

“I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you’ll still be warm!”, he says.

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Sex with Strings Attached

Men: If you want sex during “that time of the month“, you will have to pull a few strings.<

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Alcohol is bad for my legs

A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself.

“May I buy you a cocktail?”

“No thank you,” Maxine replies, “alcohol is bad for my legs.”

“Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?”

“No, they spread.”

via Naughty Bits

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Twice Married

Two newlyweds go on their honeymoon. As they start getting hot and heavy, the woman says, “Please be careful with me—I’m a virgin.”

The puzzled man replies, “But you’ve been married three times before.”

“I know,” she says. “But my first husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and he just wanted to look at it. And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was… God, I miss him.”

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a couple inside a parked car

A policeman is doing his usual rounds just before midnight when he passes a parking lot and notices a couple inside a parked car. He stops to investigate and sees a man in the driver’s seat and a young lady sitting in the backseat, quietly reading a magazine.

The officer knocks on the driver’s window and asks what’s going on.

“Listening to music,” the guy says. Pointing toward the young lady in the backseat, the officer asks, “And what’s she doing?”

“Reading a magazine, of course.”

“How old are you?” asks the officer.

“I’m 23.”

“And how old is she?”

The guy looks at his watch and says, “Well, in 11 minutes she’ll be 18.”

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A professor gives his physiology class a spot quiz…

A professor gives his physiology class a spot quiz. One question he asks is, “What part of the human anatomy expands to ten times its normal size during periods of intense emotion and excitement?”

He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. “Miss Callahan!”  The indicated girl, who heard the question, stammers with some embarrassment: “Professor, I’d rather not answer that question.

“The professor says, “That’s all right, Miss Callahan, you don’t need to answer it. Is there anyone present who can answer it?” He notes an interested face in the back of the classroom. “Mr. Hawkins!”

Hawkins says, “Yes, Professor, it is the pupil of the eye that expands to ten times its normal size during periods of emotion and excitement.”

The professor says, “That is correct, Mr. Hawkins.” Then he turns to Miss Callahan. He says, “Young lady, two things are obvious from your reaction to this question. One, you haven’t studied this week’s assignment; and Two, I’m afraid marriage is going to be a tremendous disappointment to you.

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Sportsman’s double

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.She looked OK for a 61 year-old.

In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a cuddle and then she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double.

‘What’s that?’ I asked.It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said.

I said, ‘No,’ – excitedly.We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was ‘my lucky night’.

I went back to her place.She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ‘Mum, you still awake?’

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What’s the difference between a washing machine and your mom?

What’s the difference between a washing machine and your mom?

When I drop a load in the washing machine it doesn’t follow me around for a week.

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A young man’s first apartment

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.”

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now completely nude, she purred at him,
“What would you say is my best feature?” Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, “It’s got to be your ears.”

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, “My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin – no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!”
Clearing his throat, he stammered, “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me…”

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crafty old man

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over… ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000′ the jeweler said.

The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it..’

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, ‘by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,’ he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man..

‘There’s no money in that account.’

‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about my weekend!’

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No sex since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?” “Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.” The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.” “Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself.” The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

“1955, ma’am.” “

Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”

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Tired of a listless sex life…

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, “How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?” She glanced at him casually and replied, “You’re never home!”

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pickle slicer fucker

There’s a man who has been mandated by his pickle factory to go see a psychiatrist. Every week it’s the same story: the man wants to stick his dick in the pickle slicer, and the shrink has to talk him out of it.

Finally, the man can’t take it anymore. “Doc, I gotta do it. I gotta stick my dick in the slicer. I can’t even explain why, but I have to.”

The shrink says, “No; you’ll lose your dick, they’ll have to replace the machinery, it’ll just be awful.” But it’s to no avail.

The next week the man comes into the office with a huge grin on his face.

“I did it, I finally did it. I had fucked the pickle slicer.”
“How was it? How do you feel?”
“Great.”
“Did you get fired?”
“Yeah.”
“What did they do with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, they fired her too.”

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a murderer, masohist, sadist, necrophiliac and pyromaniac are siting together

So a murderer, masochist, sadist, necrophiliac and pyromaniac are siting together and the sadist says: “Hey let’s get a cat and torture it!”, and the murderer says: “Ok, let’s torture a cat and then kill it!”, so the pyromaniac says:”Great, let’s torture a cat, then kill it, and then burn it!” and then the necrophiliac says:”Yeah ok, but let’s torture the cat, then kill it, then burn it, and then fuck it!”, to which the masochist replies:”Meow”

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Stranded

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a good cigar?”

“Ten years,” replied the amazed Irishman

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. “Faith and begorrah,” said the castaway, “that is so good! I’d almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!”

“And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Bushmill’s Irish Whiskey?” asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years.”

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. ” ‘Tis nectar of the gods!” shouted the Irishman. ” ‘Tis truly fantastic!!!”

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, “And how long has it been since you played around?”

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, “Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there too!”

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No sex since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma&apos;am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

“Yes, ma&apos;am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don&apos;t take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?”

“1955, ma&apos;am.”

“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me.”

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”

(Gotta love military time)

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Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with the hot girl at work, but she had a boyfriend

Eddie got so desperate that he went to her and said, “I will give you $1000 if you let me have sex with you.” The girl looked at him shocked and said, “Hell no!” He said, “I’ll be real quick; I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend over to get it, and I’ll be finished by the time you’ve picked it up!”

She thought for a moment and told him that she had to ask her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, “Ask the guy for $2000. Pick up the money really really fast, and he won’t even have time to get his pants down!” She agreed and accepts the proposal. 2 hours go by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend to call back.

Finally after another fifteen minutes he calls and asks, “What the hell happened?!” Heavily panting, she managed to reply, “It’s all in quarters!”

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Baseball Vs Porn

A man watching a baseball game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple.

“I don’t know whether to watch them or the game,” he said to his wife.

“For heaven’s sake, watch them fuck,” his wife said.”You already know how to play baseball!”

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Male or Female?

I am still out there job hunting. I always have a problem when filling out the job application and I get to the part about ‘Sex: F or M.’ I never knows which to choose – I really like to Fuck, but I spends most of the time alone Masturbating.

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sexually active bulls

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.

The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: “A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.”

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, “See! That was more than 5 times a month!”

The second bull is to be sold: “Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.”

Again the wife bugs her husband, “Hey, that’s some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!”

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: “And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!”

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, “That’s once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!”

The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, “Sure, once a day!……. But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!!”

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Reasons a Vibrator is Better Than a Man

* A vibrators only function is to please you.

* They don’t watch televised sports when you want to talk.

* They don’t talk when you want to watch a movie on TV.

* You’ll never have to put your vibrator in your mouth.

* Vibrators never pick their nose in bed.

* Vibrators move.

* Vibrators find all the right spots.

* Vibrators don’t do household chores— but you don’t care.

* A vibrator never leaves you or flirts with your friends.

* Vibrators never make a mess.

* You never worry about where your vibrator has been before.

* A vibrator will never call out someone else’s name when it is with you.

* A vibrator will never ask you to bring it a beer.

* Even if your vibrator is working overtime, you know exactly where it is.

* A vibrator is easy to turn on and off.

* You can spend hours in a bar with your vibrator, and it will still be able to perform when you get it home.

* A vibrator doesn’t care how long it takes to satisfy you.

* Your mother will never ask what your vibrator does for a living.

* A vibrator won’t get pissed of when dinner isn’t cooked.

* Vibrators can’t get you pregnant, give you a disease, or make you watch auto racing.

* Vibrators take up very little room on the bed.

* Vibrators never bother you when you want to sleep.

* Vibrators never compare size with other vibrators.

* You’ll never have to share your vibrator with another woman.

* Your vibrator doesn’t mind if you forget to shave.

* Vibrators never fart in bed.

* A vibrator won’t turn off before you finish.

* It is ok to have more than one vibrator in bed with you at a time.

* If you have a headache or your period, you won’t find a vibrator turned on when you get into bed.

* Vibrators are ALWAYS hard.

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codword for sex

A husband and wife decided they needed to use “code” to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, “Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter.”

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, “Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.”

The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, “Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.”

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, “Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.”

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Rejected Abstinence Signs

* Abstinence: Give Yourself a Hand!

* I say zip it — zip it good!

* Just because it’s the most pleasurable sensation you’ll ever feel in your lifetime doesn’t mean you should rush right out and experience it.

* Hey, do you want Ken Starr all over your ass?!

* Wham, Bam, Thank You Hand!

* Just Say Whoa!

* The Pope does it — now *you* can, too!

* Abstinence: It’s not just for quarrels anymore!

* Leave It Near Beaver

* Don’t think of it as less sex — think of it as more time to watch “Babylon 5” reruns.

* You’ve come a long way, Baby — for nothing!

* Abstinence: No f**kin’ way!

* Spend a little time away from the orifice.

* “Hello, this is President Clinton with an important message for young people…”

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