God wants you to do this.
A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself.
“May I buy you a cocktail?”
“No thank you,” Maxine replies, “alcohol is bad for my legs.”
“Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?”
“No, they spread.”
via Naughty Bits
Karen had lost her husband four years prior and was having trouble moving on. Her daughter, seeing that her Mom was lonely, repeatedly urged her to start dating. On her daughter’s advice Karen finally went on a blind date.
After dating for just six weeks Karen and her new boyfriend fell in love. Eager to move the relationship to the next level he asked her to join him for a weekend at his cabin by the lake.
Their first night there, she undressed and stood nude in front of him except for a pair of black lacy panties.
Why the black panties? he asked.
My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.
He knew he wasn’t getting lucky that night, so he kindly suggested they just go to bed. The following night saw the same scenario. There she stood wearing her black panties. Without saying a word he took off all his clothes. He was naked except for a black condom that he had on.
She looked at him and asked curiously, What’s with the black condom?
I would like to offer my deepest condolences , he replied.
— The Beer Goggler | Sometimes, All It Takes Is One More Drink…
One night, a policeman was busy making the rounds in his small town. Around midnight he spotted two old maids sitting in a car in a used car lot.
The policeman approached the car and asked the ladies, “Excuse me, but why are you sitting in a car on this used car lot after business hours? Are you trying to steal this car?”
“Good heavens, no!” one of the ladies said, “I just bought this car today, officer.”
“Have you come back tonight to drive your car home?” the policeman asked.
“Not at all,” the woman replies, “I don’t have a driver’s license.”
“Then why did you buy this car?”
“Well, we were told by our friends that if we bought a car from this used car lot, that we’d get screwed. Now we’re just waiting here for our screwing, and we’re not leaving until we get it!”
Two brothers go on a camping trip in the mountains together. Once they had found a good spot to camp at, they decided to try something fun. Each brother would go his own way for a week, then return to the good camping spot and tell the other all about what they had seen and done. The two men agree that this is a good idea, and strike off on their own.
A week goes by, and they both return to the campsite. They set up their tents, and begin to tell their stories about what they had done the previous week.
The older brother says, “I walked down a ravine, and followed a small stream that was in the bottom of it. I saw lots of deer and birds. I slept next to a beautiful lake, and at night the sky was so full of stars that I swear that I saw the entire galaxy going by overhead.”
The younger brother says, “That sounds great! As for myself, I walked along a railroad track for a day or so. Eventually, I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks! I untied her, and carried her off the tracks in my arms. Soon, we were making love like crazed animals, in every position imaginable! We did that for the rest of the week, until I had to say farewell, leave her behind, and come back here.”
The older brother is amazed and very jealous of his younger sibling. “I suppose she gave amazing blowjobs too, didn’t she?” he says sourly.
“I’m afraid not, I never found her head.”