Tiki Humor

Women’s ass size study

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting.

30% of women think their ass is too fat, 10% of women think their ass is too skinny, The remaining 60% say they don’t care, they love him, he is a good man, and wouldn’t trade him for the world

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Irish blonde at the casino

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet 20,000 Euros on a single roll of the dice. She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed, “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!” She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don’t know. I thought you were watching.”

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are drunks.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all Men…are Men.

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The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club when a cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello!”

WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes.”

WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “$90,000.”

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”

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Pregnancy class

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you! Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several steps and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”

She looked at the men in the room, “and Gentlemen, remember — You’re in this together — It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her.

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

Yes”, answered the Instructor.

I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

via Bits and Pieces.

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How do you turn your dishwasher into a snowblower?

Q: How do you turn your dishwasher into a snowblower?

A: Hand her a shovel.

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Women, the best freaking firewall in the world

1. One human cell contains 75MB genetic information.

2. One sperm contains a half of that; that is 37.5MB.

3. One ml of semen contains 100 million sperms.

4. In average, ejaculation lasts for 5 sec and contains 2.25 ml semen.

5. This means that the throughput of a man's member is equal to (37.5MB x 100,000,000 x 2.25)/5 = 1 687 500 000 000 000 byte/second = 1,6875 Тerabyte/sec

This means that the female eggcell withstands this DDoS attack at 1,5 terabyte per second, and only lets through one(!) data package, thereby being the best freaking hardware firewall in the world!

The downside of it is that this only small data package that it lets through, hangs the system for the whole of 9 months!

via Women, the best freaking firewall in the world : funny.

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Why Beer is Better Than Women

# You can enjoy a beer all month long.

# Beer stains wash out.

# You don’t have to wine and dine beer.

# Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play hockey.

# When your beer goes flat you toss it.

# Beer is never late.

# Hangovers go away.

# A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.

# Beer labels come off without a fight.

# When you go to a bar you know you can always pick up a beer.

# Beer never has a headache.

# After you have had a beer the bottle is still worth 10¢.

# A beer won’t get upset if you come home and have beer on your breath.

# If you pour a beer right you’ll always get a good head.

# You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.

# A beer always goes down easy.

# You can share a beer with your friends.

# You always know you’re the first one to pop a beer.

# A beer is always wet.

# Beer doesn’t demand equality.

# You can have a beer in public.

# A beer doesn’t care when you get home.

# A frigid beer is a good beer.

# You don’t have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

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3 breasted woman

God created woman, and she had 3 breasts. He said to the woman, Is there anything on you that you’d like to change?  She said, Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?  God snapped his fingers and it was done. She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand, What am I going to do with this useless boob?  And God created man.

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Few Female Statues

“How very few statues there are of real women.”

“Yes! it’s hard to get them to look right.”

“How so?”

“A woman remaining still and saying nothing doesn’t seem true to life.”

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Diamonds will cut glass and more!

_The Professor:_ A diamond is the hardest known substance, inasmuch as
it will cut glass.

_The Cynic:_ Glass! My dear sir, a diamond will even make an impression
on a woman’s heart.

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What’s an echo

_Tommy:_ “What’s an echo, pa?”

_Pa:_ “An echo, my son, is the only thing that can deprive a woman of
the last word.”

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Asshole Bleach

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job. The second woman says Oh that’s nothing, I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached! To which the first replies, Whoa I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!

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Nine Words Women Use

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in “fine.”

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a not word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing)

(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say “you’re welcome.” That will bring on a “whatever”

(8) Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying you are in big trouble.

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to #3

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology

*Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, because they know it’s true

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