Tiki Humor

Why doesn’t Sherlock Holmes pay any income tax?

Because he makes so many brilliant deductions

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what’s darth vader’s corrupt brother’s name?

taxi vader

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Be Careful What You Bet On

During an IRS audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed…

… Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I m not sure the IRS finds that believable. I m a great gambler, and I can prove it, says Ralph. How about a demonstration? The auditor thinks for a moment and said, Okay. Go ahead. Ralph says, I ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye. The auditor thinks a moment and says, No way! It s a bet. Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor s jaw drops. Ralph says, Now, I ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye. The auditor can tell Ralph isn t blind, so he takes the bet. Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. Want to go double or nothing? Ralph asks. I ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between. The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there s no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. Are you okay? the auditor asks. Not really, says the attorney.

This morning, when Ralph told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you d be happy about it.

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bar strongman

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice “I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?”

The man replied, “I’m an IRS Agent.”

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