Tiki Humor

A carton of yogurt walk into a bar. The barman says to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here!”

The yogurt cartons says back to him, “Why? I’m cultured.”

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A bear goes into a bar

A bear goes into a bar, sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him. he then calmly orders a beer

bartender: “sorry, we don’t serve drug users in here” bear: “but I don’t do drugs” bartender: “what about that barbitchyouate”

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Two deer walk out of a gay bar…

…one turns to the other and says “I can’t believe I just blew 30 bucks in there.”

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At a bar in Dublin…

A woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin?.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, ‘What man here will buy a lady a drink?’

Down at the end of the bar, an old drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ‘Give the ballerina a drink!’

The bartender poured the drink and the woman drunk it. She turned again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, ‘What man here will buy a lady a drink?’

Once again, the same little drunk shouted ‘Give the ballerina another drink!’

The bartender approached the drunk and said ‘Tell me, Paddy, it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?’

The drunk replied, ‘Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!’

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SQL query walks into a bar

SQL query walks into a bar; He approaches 2 tables and asks, “May I join you?” Bartender screams over, “Not before I get your keys!”

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A ham sandwich walked into a bar…

A ham sandwich walked into a bar and ordered a beer.

Bartender said ‘I am sorry we don’t serve food here’

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Why was the dyslexic kicked out of the bar?

Why was the dyslexic kicked out of the bar?

He was spitting in the TIPS jar.

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Renee Descartes walks into a bar

Renee Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, “The usual today, Renee?”

Descartes looks and him and responds, “I think not,” and POOF! He ceases to exist.

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You gonna get laid

A woman walks into the bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says to her, “Damn, you are totally gonna get laid tonight.”

The lady responds, “Wow, thanks. Is it because of something I’m wearing?”

The bartenders says, “No, it’s because I’m stronger than you.”

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Three Wishes

A man walks into a bar, he has two of the most beautiful women the bartender has ever seen with him and a small man standing on his shoulder. He walks over to the bartender and says, “a round for everyone.”

The bartender says, “look buddy, I’ll set them up, but you gotta pay for them first.”

The man says, “no problem,” as he pulls a massive wad of cash from his pocket.

The bartender pours a drink for everyone in the bar, but as he finishes pouring the last one, the little man jumps off of the guys shoulder, and runs along the bar knocking all of the drinks over and giggling.

The man, unsurprised, says, “don’t worry about it, pour them again, I’ll pay for another.”

The bartender sets up another round and the little man jumps off of the man’s shoulder and runs down the bar, laughing, knocking all of the drinks over.

The man sighs and says, “just set up another one, I’ll pay.”

The bartender looks at him and says, “buddy, I’ll keep setting them up all night, but you’ve got to tell me what the fuck is going on here.”

The man looks at him sadly and says, “well you see sir, I found this magic lamp and I rubbed it and a genie came out. The genie said I had three wishes, so first, I asked for all of the money in the world. So now, whenever I reach into my pocket there’s a massive wad of cash. For my second wish, I wished that I’d have beautiful women with me wherever I go and so now, wherever I am, two beautiful women follow me there. And for my third wish, I wished for a 12 inch prick” sighing as he points to the little man, “and here he is.”

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An X Walks Into A Bar…

A sandwich walks into a bar. “Pint of your finest please” he says. To which the barman replies “Sorry sir, we don’t serve food”.

A Times New Roman walks into a bar. “Pint of your finest please” he says. To which the barman replies “Sorry sir, we don’t serve your type”.

A man with a pick axe and shovel walks into a bar. “Pint of your finest please” he says. To which the barman replies “Sorry sir, we don’t serve miners”.

A man walks into a bar with a goat. “Pint of your finest please,” he says. To which the barman replies, “Sorry sir, we don’t serve kids.”

A room-temperature superconductor walks into a bar. “Pint of your finest please.” To which the barman replies “Sorry, we don’t serve room-temperature superconductors.” So the room-temperature superconductor left with no resistance.

NASCAR walks into a bar. “Pint of your finest please.” To which the barman replies “Sorry, we don’t serve your race here.”

Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar… and doesn’t.

An unending sequence of numbers walks into a bar. One of them exclaims “c is 1 today! Drinks to celebrate”. The bartender serves an infinite number of drinks and says, “Okay, you guys are set”.

The bartender asks “What would you like?”
A tachyon walks into a bar.

A mushroom walks into a bar. “Pint of your finest please,” he says. To which the barman replies, “Sorry sir, we don’t serve your kind.” The mushroom replies, “Why not? I’m a fun-guy!”

Robot walks into a bar. Orders a drink, lays down a bill. Bartender says, “Hey we don’t serve robots.” And the robot says, “No, but someday you will.”

A gold atom walks into a bar. The bartender sees him and yells.
“Aye, You! Get out of here!”

A Helium atom walks into a bar, and the bartender says to him
“I’m sorry, we don’t serve Helium here.”
But the Helium doesn’t react.

Two neutrinos go through a bar…

A string walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender angrily says “We don’t serve strings here!”

String: “But all I want is a drink!”

Bartender: “I said no strings!”

Dejectedly, the string goes outside. Thinking for a moment, the string then ruffles up his hair and around his feet. He then convulses and wraps himself around all crazy like. He then walks back into the bar.

The bartender is aghast. “Aren’t you the same string I just kicked out of here?”

“No, sir. I’m a frayed knot.”

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A woman walks up to a bartender and asks for

A woman walks up to a bartender and asks for a Double Entendre, so he gives it to her.

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A man was at a bar….

A man was at a bar one night and saw a beautiful redhead sitting in the booth opposite him. After about 5 minutes, he got up the guts to go talk to her. Just as he sat down, she sneezed and her glass eye flew out from her socket.

On reflex, the guy shot out his arm and caught her eye and gave it back to her. They started talking and the redhead invited the man to go to a movie with her, then go back to her place for a nightcap. In the morning, she cooked him a big breakfast of bacon and eggs and the man said, “Why are you being incredibly nice to me? Is this the way you treat all men who start talking to you?”

The redhead replied, “No, you just happened to catch my eye!”

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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland…

…and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”

The Irishman replies, “Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”

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The farting drunk

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, I can fart the star spangled banner in any key you want, for a drink. The bartender says, you can fart the national anthem in any key? Hell, I will give you three drinks for that! The drunk says, ok, what key? The bartender says how about “G”? Ok, So the drunk makes two people move from their stools and gets up on the bar, drops his pants around his ankles and bends over. He gets red faced and then shits all over the bar and the floor. The bartender is pissed! He goes, what the hell you son of a bitch? The drunk goes, gimme a break, even the great Frank Sinatra had to clear his throat before he performed!

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A Very Gay Day

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman “Give me six double vodkas.”

The barman says “Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender says “Geez! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

“Yeah, my wife…”

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belligerent drunk

 

A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: I can lick any man in the fuck’n place!

The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says: Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?

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A pirate walks into a bar…

A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks down and says, Do you know that you have a steering wheel in your pants?

The pirate replies Ay, it’s driven me nuts.

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