Tiki Humor

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run like hell! She’s got a grenade in her mouth!

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What do you call a monkey in a minefield?

A Baboom!

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Pointless Paranoia, Meet Pistol Packin

(A young man asks for a ticket for an R-rated movie and hands me his ID. I’m about to sell him the ticket when the lady behind him speaks up.)

Lady: Wait! That picture in the ID doesn’t look like him at all!

(I look at the ID. It appears he’s been sick since the photo was taken, but it’s clearly the same guy.)

Me: Well, ma’am, I’m fairly certain that this is the correct ID. Now, if you’d just step up “

Lady: No! You can’t sell to someone with a fake ID. He could be a terrorist, for God’s sake! You should call the police!

Me: Ma’am, that is definitely not necessary. I am responsible for checking identification, and I “

Lady: I need to talk to your manager!

(I begin to respond, but the guy politely waves me off and turns to the woman.)

Man: Miss, I have another photo ID here, with a more recent picture. Do you think this matches?

(He pulls a card out of his wallet and hands it to her. She goes completely white.)

Lady: Well um yes, that’s, uh, fine!

(She squirms for a moment, then exclaims, I’ll be right back! She drops the card and leaves the theater in a hurry. I give the guy his ticket.)

Me: What was that you showed her?

Man: Oh, my handgun permit.

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General Cosgrove Quote

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and
shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the
rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?

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Triplets

A woman, heavily pregnant with triplets, was in a supermarket. Suddenly, a man with a balaclava and a gun burst in and shouted, “Everybody put your hands on your head, and get down on your knees! This is a robbery!”
All of the customers did so, but the pregnant woman couldn’t because she was too large. The thief noticed this, and shot her three times in the uterus before making an escape.

A couple of months later, the triplets were born. They, of course, survived the shots and grew up well without many complications.
Three years after the incident, the mother was in the kitchen reading the newspaper. One of the triplets came into the kitchen and said, “Mummy, I found a bullet in my poo!”

The mother brushed off the comment and said, “That’s nice, dear.”
The next day, when the mother was sat in the kitchen, another of the triplets hobbled in and said, “Mum, I found a bullet in my poo!”
The mother, again, just said, “That’s nice dear.”

The day after that, the mother was in the lounge watching the news, the third of the triplets walked in and said, “Mummy, I -”

“Let me guess, you found a bullet in your poo?”

“No, I farted and shot the cat.”

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