Tiki Humor

Orange Head

It’s business as usual for a bartender, and one day as he is cleaning his bar when an unusual customer walks in. The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. Furthermore, the man has an orange for a head.

The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to get the attention of every woman in the joint, despite having an orange for a head.

The bartender is not a man to pry, but he feels compelled to ask about this man’s life.

“Excuse me,” says the bartender, “I can’t help but notice that you’re obviously fabulously wealthy and irresistable to women, but you have an orange for a head. How did that happen?”

So the man told his story.

“A while back, when I was penniless, I was walking along the beach and saw an old lamp, half buried in the sand. I picked it up and gave it a clean, and POOF! out popped a genie. The genie explained that he had been trapped in that lamp for two hundred years, and that he was so grateful to me for freeing him that he would give me three wishes.

“For my first wish I asked for an unlimited fortune. The genie said ‘It is done!’ and from then on, whenever I needed money, it was there.

“For my second wish I asked for the attention of all the most beautiful women in the world. The genie said it was done, and since then I have been able to get any woman I wanted.

“For my third wish — and, this is the bit where I kinda fucked up — I asked for an orange for a head.”

via reddit.

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three pregnant women

Three pregnant women were waiting in the doctor’s waiting room for an antenatal check-up and were all knitting garments for there respective babies.Suddenly the first expectant mother stops knitting, checks her watch, pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one…”What was that?”, the other two ask, curiously.”Calcium tablet. Good for mommy, good for little baby”, she replies, patting her stomach affectionately.

Satisfied, all 3 continue with their knitting…5 minutes later, the second one stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one..”What was that?”, the other two enquire.”Vitamin tablet”, she replies, “Good for mommy, good for little baby” and she pats her stomach affectionately.

All 3 smile and continue busily with their knitting…5 minutes later, the last woman stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one..”What was that?” ask the other two.”Thalidomide. I can’t knit sleeves…”

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Superior Blowjob

A man feels lonely one night, so he calls an escort service. When the girl arrives, she’s the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen. He asks her for a blowjob. She smiles. “All right baby, I give the best blowjobs in the country. There’s just one thing: I can only do it in the dark.” The man gets pretty excited. He sits down on his armchair and turns off the lamp next to him, plunging the room into darkness. He hears some fumbling, and pretty soon shes going at it. She’s right; it’s the best blowjob in the country.

The next day he calls her again and asks her to come over. He sits back in his armchair and turns off the lamp. It’s better than the first time. He can’t believe how good it is. He wonders how the hell she’s doing it. So the next day he calls her again, determined to find out her technique. When she’s blowing him for the third time in darkness, he reaches his hand out to turn on his lamp, but knocks a small round object off the table. He turns on the lamp to find a glass eye on the floor.

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Oral Coma Cure

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. The doctors were at a loss so they decided to try one last quasi-medical trick.

They went to her husband and said, As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma. The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they’d close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife’s room.

After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flatlined ”no pulse, no heart rate.

The doctors ran back into the room. What happened!? they cried. The husband said, I’m not sure ”I think maybe she choked.

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Triplets

A woman, heavily pregnant with triplets, was in a supermarket. Suddenly, a man with a balaclava and a gun burst in and shouted, “Everybody put your hands on your head, and get down on your knees! This is a robbery!”
All of the customers did so, but the pregnant woman couldn’t because she was too large. The thief noticed this, and shot her three times in the uterus before making an escape.

A couple of months later, the triplets were born. They, of course, survived the shots and grew up well without many complications.
Three years after the incident, the mother was in the kitchen reading the newspaper. One of the triplets came into the kitchen and said, “Mummy, I found a bullet in my poo!”

The mother brushed off the comment and said, “That’s nice, dear.”
The next day, when the mother was sat in the kitchen, another of the triplets hobbled in and said, “Mum, I found a bullet in my poo!”
The mother, again, just said, “That’s nice dear.”

The day after that, the mother was in the lounge watching the news, the third of the triplets walked in and said, “Mummy, I -”

“Let me guess, you found a bullet in your poo?”

“No, I farted and shot the cat.”

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