Tiki Humor

saving the secret formulas

A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, “All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!”

The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas.

The company president walks over to reward the volunteers.

“What do you guys plan to do with the money?” the president asks the group.

The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, “Well, the first thing we’re going to do is fix the fucking brakes on that truck.”

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the elephant’s trunk

A couple takes their young son to the circus. When his father goes to buy popcorn, the boy asks, “Mom, what’s that long thing on the elephant?”

“That’s the elephant’s trunk, dear,” she replies.

“No, Mom. Down underneath.”

His mother blushes and says, “Oh, that’s nothing.”

The father returns and the mother goes off to get a soda. As soon as she leaves, the boy repeats his question.

“That’s the elephant’s trunk, son.”

“Dad, I know what an elephant’s trunk is. The thing down there.”

The father says, “Oh, that’s the elephant’s penis.”

“Dad,” the son asks, “how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?”

The man takes a deep breath and explains, “Well son, here’s the truth. I’ve really spoiled that woman.”

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I don’t understand irony

“My friend told me I don’t understand irony, which was ironic because, at the time, we were waiting for the bus.”

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SQL query walks into a bar

SQL query walks into a bar; He approaches 2 tables and asks, “May I join you?” Bartender screams over, “Not before I get your keys!”

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fast talker

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.” As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.” The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager found the boy and said “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”

“Canada, sir,” the boy replied.

“Well, why did you leave Canada?” the manager asked.

The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.”

“Really!” said the manager. “My wife is from Canada!”

The boy replied, “No shit??? Who did she play for?”

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shoe repair shop

I worked in a shoe repair shop. I was usually in the backroom jerking off

the soles of worn out shoes, but once in a while I got to handle some jugs

of dye we used. My boss was so cheap. He made me twist his nipples off

the old bottles and use them on the new ones. One time I saw his junk

pile of old shoe parts crawling with rats. Worst summer ever!

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Grandma still drives

Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a ‘Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ‘For the love of God!’

‘Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!’

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

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Baby planes

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago . The little boy, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?’

The mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?’

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, ‘Did your mother tell you to ask me?’

The boy said, ‘Yes, she did.’

‘Well then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. And ask her to explain that to you.’

via Baby planes « Naughty Bits.

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Dog math

A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.

“So,” says the farmer. “How many sheep were there?”

“40,” replies the dog.

“How can there be 40?” exclaims the farmer. “I only bought 38!”

“I know,” says the dog. “But I rounded them up.”

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A professor gives his physiology class a spot quiz…

A professor gives his physiology class a spot quiz. One question he asks is, “What part of the human anatomy expands to ten times its normal size during periods of intense emotion and excitement?”

He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. “Miss Callahan!”  The indicated girl, who heard the question, stammers with some embarrassment: “Professor, I’d rather not answer that question.

“The professor says, “That’s all right, Miss Callahan, you don’t need to answer it. Is there anyone present who can answer it?” He notes an interested face in the back of the classroom. “Mr. Hawkins!”

Hawkins says, “Yes, Professor, it is the pupil of the eye that expands to ten times its normal size during periods of emotion and excitement.”

The professor says, “That is correct, Mr. Hawkins.” Then he turns to Miss Callahan. He says, “Young lady, two things are obvious from your reaction to this question. One, you haven’t studied this week’s assignment; and Two, I’m afraid marriage is going to be a tremendous disappointment to you.

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Dumbest kid in the world!

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!“

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Expense Account

Expense Account for June 1995
—————————————-

1 June Ad for female stenographer $5.00
2 June Violets for new stenographer $7.50
6 June Week’s salary for stenographer $225.00
9 June Roses for stenographer $25.00
10 June Candy for wife $4.50
12 June Lunch for stenographer $35.00
13 June Week’s salary for stenographer $300.00
16 June Movie tickets for self and wife $6.00
18 June Theater tickets for self and stenographer $75.00
19 June Ice cream soda for wife $1.50
20 June Virginia’s salary $375.00
23 June Champagne and dinner for “Ginny” $160.00
25 June Doctor for stupid stenographer $1,500.00
25 June Fur coat for wife $6,800.00
27 June Ad for male stenographer $6.50

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My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid. She thinks I’m following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is…purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it’s not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

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Two Old Drunks

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says, “Ya’know, when
I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn’t bend it, even using both
hands.”

“By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees, if I tried
really hard.”

By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no
problem.

“I’m gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one
hand.”

“So,” says the second drunk, “what’s your point?”

“Well, I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m gonna get!”

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Sportsman’s double

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.She looked OK for a 61 year-old.

In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a cuddle and then she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double.

‘What’s that?’ I asked.It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said.

I said, ‘No,’ – excitedly.We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was ‘my lucky night’.

I went back to her place.She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ‘Mum, you still awake?’

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What’s the difference between a washing machine and your mom?

What’s the difference between a washing machine and your mom?

When I drop a load in the washing machine it doesn’t follow me around for a week.

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Why does a blonde wear panties?

Why does a blonde wear panties?

To keep her ankles warm.

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What’s the difference between two dicks and a joke?

What’s the difference between two dicks and a joke?

your mom can’t take a joke.

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A ham sandwich walked into a bar…

A ham sandwich walked into a bar and ordered a beer.

Bartender said ‘I am sorry we don’t serve food here’

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Rodeo

Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the “rodeo”.The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how do you do it?The first cowboy says, “You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style.Once things start to get under way and she’s really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear: ‘Your sister likes this position too.’Then try to hang on for 8 seconds.”

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A cabbie picks up a nun

She gets into the cab and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you”.

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have,you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes!, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.” The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”

“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied. I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

via BnP.

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monkey eats a cue ball

The man brought his monkey to the bar and the monkey got a little rambunctious. He grabbed a maraschino cherry and popped it in his mouth, Then a peanut and popped it in his mouth then a cue ball. The Bar owner yelled and made the man remove the monkey. A year later they were back to the same bar, the monkey grabbed a cherry, stuck it in his butt and ate it, then a peanut, stuck it in his butt and ate it …The bar owner yelled WHAT the hell is that monkey doing/ The owner replied that ever since the monkey ate the cue ball a few months ago …he makes sure everything fits.

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three dreams

There were three men, all sleeping in the same bed in a small hotel room because on of them messed up their reservation. They all dreamt that night.

The man on the right side of the bed dreamt that he was getting a hand job from the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen.

The man on the left side of the bed dreamt almost the same thing, only with two girls.

The next morning, they all told each other their dream. The man on the right side of the bed said, “man, i had an awesome dream last night! I dreamt that the hottest girl i ever saw was giving me a hand job!” The man on the left side of the bed, after hearing this, exclaimed “Wow! Me too! Only they were two of the most beautiful girls i have ever seen!

After this, the man who slept in the middle of the bed said “Wow, awesome dreams, but mine beats them all. I dreamt that i was skiing!”

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Pregnancy class

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you! Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several steps and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”

She looked at the men in the room, “and Gentlemen, remember — You’re in this together — It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her.

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

Yes”, answered the Instructor.

I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

via Bits and Pieces.

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A young man’s first apartment

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.”

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now completely nude, she purred at him,
“What would you say is my best feature?” Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, “It’s got to be your ears.”

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, “My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin – no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!”
Clearing his throat, he stammered, “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me…”

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